10th Sun, 6th Astral Moon, 1572

(This entry is finally readable, her writing elegant and smooth, focused.)

What do I write now, with our destruction ever nearing, with our deaths so close above our heads? What overtook me, to pause this very moment and ink down this last journal entry, before I bury it deep in to the soil soon to be scorched and barren? Emotion, pure and simple. This utter sadness that I can no longer contain, that spills forth in ways it has not in so many moons. I cannot be consoled; these tears are a flood, breaking the gates of my body. I hide from Gerik the Highlander, Gerik… not because I fear him, or am embarrassed at the possibility of having bed him, but the display of weakness I do not want him to see. If he can be strong, I can be too, right…?I wish Shurin would speak to me. Twelve, I miss him so deeply. Is he alive? Is he dead? I’ve run out of guesses, of people to blame other than myself. It is my fault, there is no changing that. Too many other possibilities I cannot even elaborate on them. We did not have to be there, we did not have to…
And how pitiful my last words were.
Will forgiveness lie on the other side? Is there another side? And… if there is… will he meet me there?It is in thinking of death I find myself the most frightened. Do I wish to be purged, or is it simple mindless destruction that is falling towards us? Was there really a purpose in all of this? This damned war, the hate and anger that is all I’ve known for so long. I long to smile, I long to be happy…
No, I do not wish to die. What is beyond life? Perhaps it is bliss, happiness and utter completion, as I’ve found texts portray. Or perhaps it is nothing. Dark abyss, floating endless, no mind or control or thought. A shell… I remember being a shell, not having a name or a say. I do not wish for that ever again.

So the real question arises; what do I do now? Dalamud is so close; I can almost feel the heat from it. I’ve left my decision too late, I’ve not thought of the consequences until now. I cannot run and join my children, I cannot take them back from the souls which I had given them. I suppose my only comfort is that they are safe, truly and utterly.
Should I fight? So many beasts flood the cities; Imperial attacks rotate by the bell. The clashes are only getting bigger and bigger, and the real army will soon find its way here. I will feel cowardly if I do not, so many others more worthy than I are laying down their lives. They have a cause, which I no longer do. What am I fighting for? Why? My children… yes… hope for them. Will they grow up in this awful world of corruption and violence? I do not wish that. And not just them, but these people, the people of Eorzea. So many souls here that I have met, whom are kind and virtuous even to the undeserving. I am undeserving, and yet I was shown more kindness… never such a thing where I grew up… never.

So many names now, it is hard to remember all the faces too. If this bound parchment that consists of my scrawling is ever found, let this page stand over all the others. Conflicts and anger aside… I do not wish to be angry any longer. I must apologize; I must say how I really feel.

Almaz and Aylis. I am truly grateful you do not loathe me. Thank you for protecting the home I loved so immensely, the home I wanted so greatly to return to. You are both strong and selfless, and care more for each other than I could imagine possible.
I apologize for hating you, I thought you were taking the man I loved away, but you were only protecting him from my hate.

Alothia. My dear, dear Alothia. Thank you for being kind to me, when all anyone else provided was guilt and dirty stares. You have saved my life more than once, whether you realize or not.
I apologize for intentionally trying to hurt you. I wanted to see your happiness die, like mine had long ago. I do not deserve the kindness you offer.

Gerik. Gerik the Highlander. Dear one, you remind me of my innocence. Stay innocent, let my lessons allow you to protect yourself from those who wish to control or corrupt… and if we survive this… please be my guiding light, I am learning more from you, I fear.
I apologize for my words. I told you of love, of my twisted thoughts of love… and if I could find the strength to take it back I would. Love, with all your heart my dear Gerik, because it is the most whole you can ever feel, despite the pain.

Gospel… what words I have for you. I know I could learn much from you, if given the chance. I feel comfortable in your silence, like I never have with another I’ve not bed. You are a comfortable oddity, my past and present… why you even cared if I lived or died is a question I will never answer.
I apologize… for annoying you.

Isilme, I do not know you. I know you saved my life at the Gala, and I owe you a great debt that I will not be able to repay.
I apologize for refusing to see the light, and only viewing the darkness.

Commander Mtoto Wamoto. I respected you, more than anyone before. I would have followed you anywhere, and did anything you said. It was not… merely because you were in charge, but because of your pure strength, something I will never have.
I apologize for being arrogant, for causing you so much paperwork and deliberation. If I had a second chance… I would do everything so much better.

Dear Navei… in another world… I would have… I know not how to write what consists in my mind of you. Our time together was something special, something I will never let go. Please… rest easy… and watch over me.
I… am so sorry I could not protect you, even though you hardly needed it. I was not there for you like you were for me and it pains me so dearly.

Rhio. I know not where you have gone, or why. Do not return to this place, it will be but ash. Thank you for loving me as you did, even if I did not understand. I wish I could hug you a final time.
I apologize for ignoring your love, passing it aside, when I should only have embraced. For letting the remarks I heard of you slide, such cruel foul words, I should have cut the tongues of those who spoke them.

Selene the Swordswoman, thank you for trying to understand me when all else have passed me over. You were a comfort, even if it did not seem like it. I wish I could have gotten to know you better.
I apologize for losing my control… for brushing you away. For taking you in too close. For all I’ve done.

Staar. I miss you, I love you like a sister, like my own kin and I could share anything with you. I hope you are well, but I was always too scared to ask.
I apologize for my jealousy. I was so sad when he was with you over I. Please… please forgive me.

Vaelyn, my kin. I feel comfortable around you, and I hardly know you. I feel like, you understand, like I don’t need to explain or restrain myself around you. It is nice… to think someone could understand, to be able to not act around you like I do the others. I need never change myself, because you are in the same warped world as I, even if our opinions differ.
I apologize for not being as strong as you, you have more noble goals than I, I hope you never lose sight of them.

Aysun, I remember little of you. When I see your name written down, all I can remember is you holding my newborn son, more love in your eyes than I think I have given him.

Blade… oh Blade… I have hurt you. But thank you for seeking comforts, I needed it more than you, I am afraid. And despite our differences, you were safe.
I apologize for not caring… I will try harder…

Endricane. Endri. I have only apologies for you. You know why…

Eva, too many words… We differ, so much, but there was a time you and I could see the same, could speak on terms… time I cared for you, so long ago…
I apologize for the betrayal you believe I have done. I did not mean to hurt you with my decisions, but in doing so I lost everything, and I know you will never know the truth now. I hope that night in Limsa Lominsa spoke more to you than words whispered by others. I hope you know what I was trying to say, though I did not speak it.

Kylin the Noble. I know you will not understand why I took Gerik from you, but maybe some sun you will see. So I suppose… that is what I will apologize for.

Oskar Helvig. What can I say of you…? You gave me what I sought, some kind of stability when I was the most weak. What else did you do for me…? Little…
I… cannot apologize to you. So much wrong you have given to me. Harsh words, cruelty… the destruction of the bonds I had worked to build, over false words. Understand why I did what I did, I could not be vulnerable. Regardless, I hope you are well, wherever you are.

To my children, you are the brightest light in my life. I wish I could be strong for you, I wish I could hold you, and love you… and give you the whole world. But this world is flawed, it is full of anger and hate. I tried to protect you… but mommy cannot protect you. Please understand I love you, with all of my heart, I have never cared about something more than you three. Take care of each other, your bonds are all that is important in the world.

Lastly… Shurin. Twelve, the man I love… the man I will ALWAYS love. You’ve taught me so much; you have, even if I find it hard to put those lessons forward. You have given me more that I deserve. Kindness, compassion, protection… our beautiful sons who I swear will always be safe. You gave me the true ability to be a mother, I have never really known how to be one, never mind a good one. If I would only have listened to you, but you know how foolish I am, how bruised and scarred. And still, you tolerated me when you should have run. How foolish are the two of us, for this infinitely sad thing we call our love? So many opportunities lost, to hold you… to rest my weary head on your heavy shoulders… to help with your endless burden, the burden I became.
I love you, more than I have anyone. When I saw you… when I lost you… you took so much of me with you, and I feel more broken than I ever have. More broken than when I watched my village burn, knowing that my father and brother were likely dead. More assaulted then when my innocence was forcibly ripped from my very being by those cruel men. More dead than when I killed for the first time… but not the last.
I am sorry, so sorry for everything I am. For everything I have done, for everything I will do. Just, all of it…
If you never forgive me, I will understand. I will hold nothing against you, if I ever see you again, in this world or another. All I will do, and I promise this above any else, is smile and say ‘welcome home’. There is always a place for you at my side, our homes can burn and crumble and rot, but I will keep a spot in what is left of my beating heart…

I know if you could see me writing this you would frown, and those steel eyes would show your disapproval. But I am going to fight, once I have tucked this in to the soil, and strapped on my last bit of leathers. I will be strong, in the only way I know, the only way I seem to be able.
If I live, I promise I will change.
If I die… I promise I will search endlessly for you, just to show my forgiveness.

And if I lie in the dirt, the sky in flames above me, struggling to breathe my last… it is you I will see, caressing my cheek, whispering to me that it will be alright… the smell of you filling my nostrils, the warmth of you clinging to my dying soul.

This will be my final entry.

So let it be read, if this is ever found, that me… a girl who was once free in the mountain air… a soldier too young, stripped of innocence… a woman of ice, who knew not what she truly wanted in life.
My name is Deirdre Ta’ea. I have love and lost. I have fought and won. Despite all I have done in my short cycles, in these final bells it all seems so insignificant.

Know only this… this life is not worth squandering. Make it yours, make it more. Love so immensely, care so tenderly, breathe so deeply and see keenly. Do not let it slip through your fingers as I have, you will only find regret. Love… and never cease.

Never stop wondering how tall the sky is.

Deirdre Ta’ea – 10th Sun, 6th Astral Moon, 1572