21st Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572

Is it so wrong to want something?

Selfishness, yes this is true. It is selfish to want such things, to lust greedily after something you do not possess, something that is so far away and yet so close, and at a single breath, is merely gone. I believe such thoughts will end up punishing you. The mind is a fickle thing. It knows all, knows your better than you are consciously aware. It will play tricks on you, and in those tricks is that punishment, internal correction, and it is only if we heed those warnings that we set back on the right path.

I’ve no longer a path.

I continue to have these dreams, my punishment. So matter how I continue to write it, it does not seems as clear as it was. And it is only when I think of nothing as I close my eyes when it bursts in, so cruelly.

My eyes are closed, but I know what is going on. I cannot breath, my lips swollen and wet sliding along anothers skin. His skin. His lips. So furiously are they kissing me, such passion. The heat overtakes my core and I can feels his hands on me, against me, I can feel his own skin under my palms.
Forcing my eyes open are a sudden regret, starring in to those deep, steely orbs.

Then I remember to hate, and the sky flashes red.

Everything changes in the time it takes for me to blink. Our bodies are clothed, and instead of a lovers flesh at our fingertips it is the hard bite of a metal hilt, weapons.
I remember I want him dead.
Screaming, I charge. My feet collide with the dead ground, as the very sky seems to fall, smashing in to the ground and breaking it up all around us. I see the tip of a spear flash as he changes stance, and runs towards me. We clash, again as close as only lovers should be. Recoiling back, another clash, the ring of metal on metal. I can hear the world exploding around us…

If we are to die anyways, what does it matter if we fight? There is no reason to stop. There is only this burning hate in my very core, replacing what had been there before.
Menphina has cast me aside for it.

It always ends the same.

I gasp, lips parting in shock, blood bubbling over them. As I look up the sky is bleeding red too, just as I am. My hands are numb, but they find the shaft of the weapon in my belly, grasping on to it. I look down, seeing it penetrate my leathers, my flesh…
Then he is there again, over me. Silver hair hangs against his cheeks, dirty, battle worn. He looks at me like he used to, so long ago, and tears cloud my vision.

I hate him.
I love him.
No… loved.

His hands lift my broken body, because I cannot do it myself. He holds me in his arms, brushes my tears away, stray hairs. He hushes me… like a child… my head is so light I cannot think.

Each time though… more of it comes, more of my thoughts push in. More punishment.

I look up, behind him looms a shadow. This shadow seems safe to stay under, I feel calmer with it there. But before I close my eyes for the final time, I see the glint of metal once more, and feel Shurin jerk against me.
The ground is again at my back, and the Hyur collapses over my chest, lifeless. I look up at Navei, and he just stares down at me, outlined with the fiery Dalmud at his back. Things explode around us but my ears do not work anymore. His lips move, but I cannot hear him. It is then my vision fails, and everything blurs in to darkness.

A drift, in the black void. I float, endless…
His words come then, echoing in my mind…

‘Let Dalmud purge you Deir… this is not the way…’

And then I wake up.

I’ve had many dreams now, all like this one, of the end. None have come as such, none have spoken to me… and Shurin has never died…
I suppose it is best to write it for now… I cannot think. I cannot understand it now.

I wish I would never dream.

21st Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572