10th Sun, 6th Astral Moon, 1572

(This entry is finally readable, her writing elegant and smooth, focused.)

What do I write now, with our destruction ever nearing, with our deaths so close above our heads? What overtook me, to pause this very moment and ink down this last journal entry, before I bury it deep in to the soil soon to be scorched and barren? Emotion, pure and simple. This utter sadness that I can no longer contain, that spills forth in ways it has not in so many moons. I cannot be consoled; these tears are a flood, breaking the gates of my body. I hide from Gerik the Highlander, Gerik… not because I fear him, or am embarrassed at the possibility of having bed him, but the display of weakness I do not want him to see. If he can be strong, I can be too, right…?I wish Shurin would speak to me. Twelve, I miss him so deeply. Is he alive? Is he dead? I’ve run out of guesses, of people to blame other than myself. It is my fault, there is no changing that. Too many other possibilities I cannot even elaborate on them. We did not have to be there, we did not have to…
And how pitiful my last words were.
Will forgiveness lie on the other side? Is there another side? And… if there is… will he meet me there?It is in thinking of death I find myself the most frightened. Do I wish to be purged, or is it simple mindless destruction that is falling towards us? Was there really a purpose in all of this? This damned war, the hate and anger that is all I’ve known for so long. I long to smile, I long to be happy…
No, I do not wish to die. What is beyond life? Perhaps it is bliss, happiness and utter completion, as I’ve found texts portray. Or perhaps it is nothing. Dark abyss, floating endless, no mind or control or thought. A shell… I remember being a shell, not having a name or a say. I do not wish for that ever again.

So the real question arises; what do I do now? Dalamud is so close; I can almost feel the heat from it. I’ve left my decision too late, I’ve not thought of the consequences until now. I cannot run and join my children, I cannot take them back from the souls which I had given them. I suppose my only comfort is that they are safe, truly and utterly.
Should I fight? So many beasts flood the cities; Imperial attacks rotate by the bell. The clashes are only getting bigger and bigger, and the real army will soon find its way here. I will feel cowardly if I do not, so many others more worthy than I are laying down their lives. They have a cause, which I no longer do. What am I fighting for? Why? My children… yes… hope for them. Will they grow up in this awful world of corruption and violence? I do not wish that. And not just them, but these people, the people of Eorzea. So many souls here that I have met, whom are kind and virtuous even to the undeserving. I am undeserving, and yet I was shown more kindness… never such a thing where I grew up… never.

So many names now, it is hard to remember all the faces too. If this bound parchment that consists of my scrawling is ever found, let this page stand over all the others. Conflicts and anger aside… I do not wish to be angry any longer. I must apologize; I must say how I really feel.

Almaz and Aylis. I am truly grateful you do not loathe me. Thank you for protecting the home I loved so immensely, the home I wanted so greatly to return to. You are both strong and selfless, and care more for each other than I could imagine possible.
I apologize for hating you, I thought you were taking the man I loved away, but you were only protecting him from my hate.

Alothia. My dear, dear Alothia. Thank you for being kind to me, when all anyone else provided was guilt and dirty stares. You have saved my life more than once, whether you realize or not.
I apologize for intentionally trying to hurt you. I wanted to see your happiness die, like mine had long ago. I do not deserve the kindness you offer.

Gerik. Gerik the Highlander. Dear one, you remind me of my innocence. Stay innocent, let my lessons allow you to protect yourself from those who wish to control or corrupt… and if we survive this… please be my guiding light, I am learning more from you, I fear.
I apologize for my words. I told you of love, of my twisted thoughts of love… and if I could find the strength to take it back I would. Love, with all your heart my dear Gerik, because it is the most whole you can ever feel, despite the pain.

Gospel… what words I have for you. I know I could learn much from you, if given the chance. I feel comfortable in your silence, like I never have with another I’ve not bed. You are a comfortable oddity, my past and present… why you even cared if I lived or died is a question I will never answer.
I apologize… for annoying you.

Isilme, I do not know you. I know you saved my life at the Gala, and I owe you a great debt that I will not be able to repay.
I apologize for refusing to see the light, and only viewing the darkness.

Commander Mtoto Wamoto. I respected you, more than anyone before. I would have followed you anywhere, and did anything you said. It was not… merely because you were in charge, but because of your pure strength, something I will never have.
I apologize for being arrogant, for causing you so much paperwork and deliberation. If I had a second chance… I would do everything so much better.

Dear Navei… in another world… I would have… I know not how to write what consists in my mind of you. Our time together was something special, something I will never let go. Please… rest easy… and watch over me.
I… am so sorry I could not protect you, even though you hardly needed it. I was not there for you like you were for me and it pains me so dearly.

Rhio. I know not where you have gone, or why. Do not return to this place, it will be but ash. Thank you for loving me as you did, even if I did not understand. I wish I could hug you a final time.
I apologize for ignoring your love, passing it aside, when I should only have embraced. For letting the remarks I heard of you slide, such cruel foul words, I should have cut the tongues of those who spoke them.

Selene the Swordswoman, thank you for trying to understand me when all else have passed me over. You were a comfort, even if it did not seem like it. I wish I could have gotten to know you better.
I apologize for losing my control… for brushing you away. For taking you in too close. For all I’ve done.

Staar. I miss you, I love you like a sister, like my own kin and I could share anything with you. I hope you are well, but I was always too scared to ask.
I apologize for my jealousy. I was so sad when he was with you over I. Please… please forgive me.

Vaelyn, my kin. I feel comfortable around you, and I hardly know you. I feel like, you understand, like I don’t need to explain or restrain myself around you. It is nice… to think someone could understand, to be able to not act around you like I do the others. I need never change myself, because you are in the same warped world as I, even if our opinions differ.
I apologize for not being as strong as you, you have more noble goals than I, I hope you never lose sight of them.

Aysun, I remember little of you. When I see your name written down, all I can remember is you holding my newborn son, more love in your eyes than I think I have given him.

Blade… oh Blade… I have hurt you. But thank you for seeking comforts, I needed it more than you, I am afraid. And despite our differences, you were safe.
I apologize for not caring… I will try harder…

Endricane. Endri. I have only apologies for you. You know why…

Eva, too many words… We differ, so much, but there was a time you and I could see the same, could speak on terms… time I cared for you, so long ago…
I apologize for the betrayal you believe I have done. I did not mean to hurt you with my decisions, but in doing so I lost everything, and I know you will never know the truth now. I hope that night in Limsa Lominsa spoke more to you than words whispered by others. I hope you know what I was trying to say, though I did not speak it.

Kylin the Noble. I know you will not understand why I took Gerik from you, but maybe some sun you will see. So I suppose… that is what I will apologize for.

Oskar Helvig. What can I say of you…? You gave me what I sought, some kind of stability when I was the most weak. What else did you do for me…? Little…
I… cannot apologize to you. So much wrong you have given to me. Harsh words, cruelty… the destruction of the bonds I had worked to build, over false words. Understand why I did what I did, I could not be vulnerable. Regardless, I hope you are well, wherever you are.

To my children, you are the brightest light in my life. I wish I could be strong for you, I wish I could hold you, and love you… and give you the whole world. But this world is flawed, it is full of anger and hate. I tried to protect you… but mommy cannot protect you. Please understand I love you, with all of my heart, I have never cared about something more than you three. Take care of each other, your bonds are all that is important in the world.

Lastly… Shurin. Twelve, the man I love… the man I will ALWAYS love. You’ve taught me so much; you have, even if I find it hard to put those lessons forward. You have given me more that I deserve. Kindness, compassion, protection… our beautiful sons who I swear will always be safe. You gave me the true ability to be a mother, I have never really known how to be one, never mind a good one. If I would only have listened to you, but you know how foolish I am, how bruised and scarred. And still, you tolerated me when you should have run. How foolish are the two of us, for this infinitely sad thing we call our love? So many opportunities lost, to hold you… to rest my weary head on your heavy shoulders… to help with your endless burden, the burden I became.
I love you, more than I have anyone. When I saw you… when I lost you… you took so much of me with you, and I feel more broken than I ever have. More broken than when I watched my village burn, knowing that my father and brother were likely dead. More assaulted then when my innocence was forcibly ripped from my very being by those cruel men. More dead than when I killed for the first time… but not the last.
I am sorry, so sorry for everything I am. For everything I have done, for everything I will do. Just, all of it…
If you never forgive me, I will understand. I will hold nothing against you, if I ever see you again, in this world or another. All I will do, and I promise this above any else, is smile and say ‘welcome home’. There is always a place for you at my side, our homes can burn and crumble and rot, but I will keep a spot in what is left of my beating heart…

I know if you could see me writing this you would frown, and those steel eyes would show your disapproval. But I am going to fight, once I have tucked this in to the soil, and strapped on my last bit of leathers. I will be strong, in the only way I know, the only way I seem to be able.
If I live, I promise I will change.
If I die… I promise I will search endlessly for you, just to show my forgiveness.

And if I lie in the dirt, the sky in flames above me, struggling to breathe my last… it is you I will see, caressing my cheek, whispering to me that it will be alright… the smell of you filling my nostrils, the warmth of you clinging to my dying soul.

This will be my final entry.

So let it be read, if this is ever found, that me… a girl who was once free in the mountain air… a soldier too young, stripped of innocence… a woman of ice, who knew not what she truly wanted in life.
My name is Deirdre Ta’ea. I have love and lost. I have fought and won. Despite all I have done in my short cycles, in these final bells it all seems so insignificant.

Know only this… this life is not worth squandering. Make it yours, make it more. Love so immensely, care so tenderly, breathe so deeply and see keenly. Do not let it slip through your fingers as I have, you will only find regret. Love… and never cease.

Never stop wondering how tall the sky is.

Deirdre Ta’ea – 10th Sun, 6th Astral Moon, 1572

Undated

(The following is portions of the journal in semi-readable format, the image of it is below.)

All of this, I need it on parchment. Not for anyone to read, no just so I do not forget. Forget… no I could never forget, my mind is so vividly aware, but then why is so much scattered? Focus! Parchment. Ink. It has to be all here.

Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander. Gerik the Highlander.
No not him, was it him? I remember sleeping, oh it felt so good to sleep again. Shurin. I slept beside him. I think. Mizune? Yes, he was there I cries. I was afraid. He touched my hair, like so long ago. His heartbeat filled my ears, I can still hear it now if I listen. I must listen. Ba-Bump, can you hear it?

Then! Then, oh then the ground. The soil, the grass, all that lay below. It swallowed me whole, I was but another drop of water, sinking so deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
I struggled. I fought the ground, slashed it, stabbed it, screamed at it. Oh this dagger, never leave my side for I am so powerful, to kill, power…
Oh… but it was not… my dreams have found there way in to reality-
Or… or is it the other way? Am I still dreaming? Is it just my reality bleeding over in to my mind? So confusing, I see the dead around me, I watch them, they are everywhere. Gerik the Highlander. Did I kill him too? Possibly. Was he the ground? I thought I saw him there, perhaps he too was swallowed whole. I left him behind, I ran after the corpses.

Shurin is gone again. I looked all over for him. He must have gotten up from sleep and wandered away. Did he know I was there, protecting him? I freed myself from the ground, it will not swallow me, but perhaps he got tired of waiting as I did.
I keep forgetting to hate him.
I hate him.

I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I love him.

Hyur. Dark Hyur. Dark Hyur cloaked in black. Dark Hyur cloaked in black with red eye.
Kind Hyur.
Fixed my arm, it hurt terribly. Spoke words to me, not kind. Not… angry. I am unused to words now, spoken not in fear or rage. All that lies in between is mere else. Otherwise. Books, he had so many. More tombs than I’ve read in my life, he let me have one.
Kindness… why is he so kind? Even this… speck of it… makes me forget it all. The red sky, the black grass. The decomposing bodies. The stench.
Why does he only have one eye? I have two…

I then find myself laying in a field of grass. It pricks my skin, a thousand needles, and the sky above, the red moon above, swirls the clouds in massive circles, as if to swallow us. I should just wait here, let it swallow me whole. Consume me. Purge me.
I’ve nothing left.
These vials he gave me. Dark, dark Hyur. Focus, he said.
Focus.
I will drink one.
Sleep… perhaps.
Dream…
Die…

Feel.

(Three more journals follow this one in the same ineligible format, growing worse and worse.)

Undated

Satiation.

That is what I have craved these last few suns. Men to bed, blood to spill… memories to forget. These things swirling in my mind, Twelve I am so insatiable. None of it will leave. None of it will let me be. The wind even pushes me, and it I cannot fight. I am lost in this back and forth.

Things to note… things to note… things to note…

Gerik the Highlander is well. Asked me to train him. My mind is too chaotic to think of a proper regimen. We are going to die anyways.
So instead we dance.
I think we danced.
… did we?

A man did not understand me, but such acts need no understanding.
I forgot his name already.
What… what was it…?

Aylis. Almaz. They live there now, it wretched my heart out.
I wanted to burn it down.
I wanted to burn that house down.
But I will not kill them. They were kind.
I found what I was looking for, my pistol for one.
Perhaps I am thinking… that I can end it myself.
Barrel to the temple.
Stare at the sky.
Smile once more.
And pull the trigger.

It sounds easy.

Eva is not the same. I am not the same.
She looked at me, I felt like she pitied me.
I wanted to tell her I deserved it all.
I actually don’t remember what I said.

The man though.
My kin.
My kin?
No… no.
Not even a soldier like me.
He does not understand.
He is still blinded by what I had seen before.
Love in these fields.
Comfort.
Home.
No… no.
He will find the true despair, worse than that of the Empire we both called home.
It does not truly matter… none of it really does.

The pressure in my head is only getting worse.
Screaming at me.
The pain is the worst.
Squeezing.
Aching.
Screaming.
Bleedi-
Cryi-
Ple-
Gr-

(The words beyond this point are illegible and scribbled roughly in the parchment, curving off to the side and angled oddly.)

25th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572

These recent suns are a haze.
Grass, trees, wind… all pass us by. One foot before another, walking along without real destination.
He asks me where we’re going, I tell him ‘away’.

Gerik the Highlander, I believe I have not really examined him well. He is kind to me, kinder than most in these moons. We do not know one another either, perhaps this is why we are kind.
He is a child of Ala Mhigo, and I mistook him for a man of my youth. He could have not been there when I was, that I am sure, and regardless he tries to avoid such topics.
This man is beautiful, and I suppose if I was right of mind I would have attempted to bed him by now. Thick built, muscled, and yet he is so soft and gentle… it is odd, and I can not help but watch him now. I find myself wondering if his hands are hard and worked, before being overwhelmed by memories and turning my eyes away.

I long for that comfort, and it makes me writhe.

Gerik… the Highlander. He is an artist of sorts. He showed me his drawings, and they are so beautiful. While I have my words on this piece of parchment, he has his shapes, figures, almost alive unlike these dead syllables.
I drew for him, but it was pathetic. Embarrassing, such a thing, and I know not why I even agreed. Perhaps it was merely to connect with him, on some small basis, to feel like I was not utterly alone.

I need to stop grasping for something I can not hold.

… regardless, we’ve been traveling for suns now. I’ve taken him across most of La Noscea, to spots I have tucked myself away in before. I do not say much, afraid he will try to bond with me, and I lose another friend, kill another close to me.
I need to keep this impersonal. He means nothing to me.

So far, it is only the rare angered beast that bothers us. It seems they are riled by the moons descent, these creatures. They know something is wrong, as we do, yet there only comprehensive reaction is to become enraged.
Yet, are they so different from us? Are we not killing our kin, tossing aside our allies and screaming out in pain at the sky? The red moon of Allag has it’s grip tight over this land, so tight that it is now gasping for air. We’ll all merely suffocate.

The Garleans too are as enraged as the rest. Freely I see them roaming the hills, so near camps that people are cowering in fear, or keeping locked in the cities brimming with the frightened. Machines that fill the air with the awful smells I remember, they claw through the trees and the hills, leaving nothing but corpses in their wake. I’ve not stuck around long enough to watch those able to partake in battle with them… and I’ve no intention to either.

Bloody rivers… stained grass… my blade is so heavy and the air is reeking with the smell of rot and mold and burnt flesh and…

Focus…

The sky feels like it is pressing in to my own thoughts. Barely can I keep restrained, barely can I stop the swelling within my chest from exploding.
I want to fight… I want to kill… I can not keep gritting my teeth to stop it, I am losing all of my control.

I nearly took it out on Gerik last eve. Nearly crept in while he was sleeping and-
No… I can not allow such a thing.
I just want to SCREAM…
But then he will know something is wrong…
Please… just let the end come…

25th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572

21st Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572

Is it so wrong to want something?

Selfishness, yes this is true. It is selfish to want such things, to lust greedily after something you do not possess, something that is so far away and yet so close, and at a single breath, is merely gone. I believe such thoughts will end up punishing you. The mind is a fickle thing. It knows all, knows your better than you are consciously aware. It will play tricks on you, and in those tricks is that punishment, internal correction, and it is only if we heed those warnings that we set back on the right path.

I’ve no longer a path.

I continue to have these dreams, my punishment. So matter how I continue to write it, it does not seems as clear as it was. And it is only when I think of nothing as I close my eyes when it bursts in, so cruelly.

My eyes are closed, but I know what is going on. I cannot breath, my lips swollen and wet sliding along anothers skin. His skin. His lips. So furiously are they kissing me, such passion. The heat overtakes my core and I can feels his hands on me, against me, I can feel his own skin under my palms.
Forcing my eyes open are a sudden regret, starring in to those deep, steely orbs.

Then I remember to hate, and the sky flashes red.

Everything changes in the time it takes for me to blink. Our bodies are clothed, and instead of a lovers flesh at our fingertips it is the hard bite of a metal hilt, weapons.
I remember I want him dead.
Screaming, I charge. My feet collide with the dead ground, as the very sky seems to fall, smashing in to the ground and breaking it up all around us. I see the tip of a spear flash as he changes stance, and runs towards me. We clash, again as close as only lovers should be. Recoiling back, another clash, the ring of metal on metal. I can hear the world exploding around us…

If we are to die anyways, what does it matter if we fight? There is no reason to stop. There is only this burning hate in my very core, replacing what had been there before.
Menphina has cast me aside for it.

It always ends the same.

I gasp, lips parting in shock, blood bubbling over them. As I look up the sky is bleeding red too, just as I am. My hands are numb, but they find the shaft of the weapon in my belly, grasping on to it. I look down, seeing it penetrate my leathers, my flesh…
Then he is there again, over me. Silver hair hangs against his cheeks, dirty, battle worn. He looks at me like he used to, so long ago, and tears cloud my vision.

I hate him.
I love him.
No… loved.

His hands lift my broken body, because I cannot do it myself. He holds me in his arms, brushes my tears away, stray hairs. He hushes me… like a child… my head is so light I cannot think.

Each time though… more of it comes, more of my thoughts push in. More punishment.

I look up, behind him looms a shadow. This shadow seems safe to stay under, I feel calmer with it there. But before I close my eyes for the final time, I see the glint of metal once more, and feel Shurin jerk against me.
The ground is again at my back, and the Hyur collapses over my chest, lifeless. I look up at Navei, and he just stares down at me, outlined with the fiery Dalmud at his back. Things explode around us but my ears do not work anymore. His lips move, but I cannot hear him. It is then my vision fails, and everything blurs in to darkness.

A drift, in the black void. I float, endless…
His words come then, echoing in my mind…

‘Let Dalmud purge you Deir… this is not the way…’

And then I wake up.

I’ve had many dreams now, all like this one, of the end. None have come as such, none have spoken to me… and Shurin has never died…
I suppose it is best to write it for now… I cannot think. I cannot understand it now.

I wish I would never dream.

21st Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572

19th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572

A numb feeling, and the inability to focus.
A Highlander man I cannot defend, and a child poking the beast.
A song left unsung, and looks from those who cannot understand.
The haze of his aetherial face… regret.

All of this world is falling away. Steps I am walking forward turn the grass in to grey, the trees in to dust, the water to stone. Like everything is dying, joining my already dead soul. I am not lost… I am not the same just… broken. Everything is merely broken. I do not feel warmth to my flesh, and if it approaches it is just an odd, tingle. I can not feel my wounds though I know they should likely sting.
My eyes on which I so keenly rely, they fail to comprehend the bigger picture. Distant things I find myself looking upon, and nothing more matters than what simply lies ahead of my body. North, South, East or West… it is all one direction. Up or down…
What is forward but more of this nothingness? It’s like… I hardly care. I do not feel anything now.

Gerik, is his name. I will not forget it, though I had for an instance. Gerik, he was such a small part of things. Yet, he managed to come in harms way. Because of me. All of this because of me. My lovers are in danger because of me. My children are in in danger because of me. Men who I ask to assist me are in danger because of me. People I do not know. People I hardly care for.
I find myself protecting them regardless. It is my fault, why should they suffer? His shoulder… his wound, is my fault. I should feel that pain, hold that scar. So, I met this woman looking for me. No, not a woman… a child. A child with her foolish grin, and her inelegant phrasings, ramblings. She disgusted me. I feel ill even thinking about writing it, what happened on that boat. She made a dumb mistake, looking for me. I mean nothing to her, and yet she feels the need to threaten all I love? I’ve nothing left that she can touch… nothing left.
I felt no joy in battle with her… feel no joy in any battle now. I feel no importance protecting Gerik, either. It is… just because it should have been me.

He took me to Gridania, Gerik the Highlander. A storytelling event, which put such white hot memories in my mind that I did not want to look. Though I sat and I listened. I wanted to sing, had the desire to tell them all how I was really feeling inside through song. I resisted, and strummed at my harp instead. It is better to keep it inside, none of them will understand.
They looked at me though, with those eyes. So many emotions, I did not bother to grab note of which belonged to who… or who was even there. It is a blur, mostly. I think I was supposed to say things to a few of them. Apologies? Greetings? Condolences? Congratulations? It was not that I forgot merely… I did not have the energy.
I did not feel accepted or unwanted, and I guess it no longer matters one way or another.

I regret leaving Navei that night.
I do.
Somehow, I cannot find it my own fault. But it is the same feeling as before. Obligation. I know it is not to do with me yet, everyone around me… it is all the same thing.
Because of me.
Because of what I am.
Because of these masks I wear.
Because of how terrible I am on the inside.

I wish I could hold him, but I cannot.
I wish he could hold me, but he cannot. I am so terribly sad… so terribly alone.
But I cannot cry.
I want to.
I want to cry until the moon falls from the sky.
It is my absolution.
How forgiving of the Twelve to allow Dalmud to purge me
I will accept my punishment.

19th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572

5th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572

I have not slept in suns.

Constantly moving, traveling from place to place, keeping watch each eve without relief, waking in the morning to feed hungry mouths with gil running low. I will end up parting from the little ones soon, sending them back to a new hidden place, one I know Shurin does not remember. They will remain safe.

All I need is a good eves sleep… just one… before I can leave the safety of the cities. No one I can trust… well, no one near.

I hate looking back on it all. So many faces I cannot remember, so much anger that I’ve forgotten why. So many of their eyes do not understand what is actually within me, what is actually killing me. I am sad for it, all those souls I will not truly know, yet I cannot tell them I do not want to be alone.

I suppose it comes down to trust.
I do not trust anyone. It is very… difficult… for me to get past that point. A family is a wonderful thing to imagine, friends… so bittersweet that I have to push the thoughts away or my tongue gets numb and I long for the better times.
Silly the things we think about so close to catastrophe.

I have returned to Limsa Lominsa, only briefly. I sold my apartment fairly quickly, and we are hiding out in the hold of a traders ship. I think I may have stumbled across the whereabouts of Navei, and following up on the information may take a sun or two. Likely, it is nothing. After all, with so many travelers how could such information find its way to me so long afterwards?
A chance I am willing to take.

What do I say when I find him? Ask him why these women have chased me around La Noscea pestering for information regarding his actions? To explain my own? Them digging in to my life… only to rustle things up…

Will I ask forgiveness? Seems like the wrong person to say these words to… but who else can I talk to…
Before I left Ul’dah, I stood in front of the Corvus Headquarters, too cowardly to speak with Alothia, possibly my only remaining friend. Were we friends? It seems, like a foolish thing to call her, after what I did with Oskar.
Oskar… another faded page. That Duskwight, Yssen Van, reminds me a little of him. Though, he is kinder. We seem to meet under the oddest circumstances… and he never frowns… how strange that he can be so happy. He seems to just want to help, but just being near him frightens me.
Bad memories.

Twelve… I am so tired. I can barely conjure water to splash my face. I cannot stop looking over my shoulder at every wave against the hull or up at every semi-heavy footfall.
My mind is full of Shurin… and I hate it.
Seeing him there in Ul’dah, like he did not care. I screamed, oh it was all such a blur…

My eyes are so heavy… I must stop writing and train, or I will fall asleep like the little ones…

5th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572

2nd Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572

Shurin is complete… and utter bastard.
I do not understand men anymore. They used to be simple, the utter urge, desire and heat flooding through veins, coercion and manipulation came so easy then, but that is not now. These past few cycles everything seems to have changed. Having my children… Crane and Cygnus, seems to be what started this whole… onset of thoughts. No longer is it pleasure, bedding and playing, where I could enjoy company, and then be alone again where I am not so vulnerable.

Perhaps it is this land, these Eorzean fields. I do not wish to be alone anymore. I want to be held, consoled… mayhap even protected… by arms not my own.

I wanted those arms to be Shurins.

I understand his reasoning, but no one will take my children from me as he tried to do. Falke is my son, and while I laid with Shurin for him… Shurin has not been there for a single aspect of his life. His first smile, his first steps, all lost to him. What really makes you a father, laying with a woman? It does not seem like it should. Because if that were true, then the man who I laid with for the twins, well then he has every right that Shurin does.

What was it… seven cloaked fiends in my room the other eve? All sent by Shurin, all tasked with taking Falke from my arms? Eight moons, is all he is… and they want to take him from me. Every fiber, every shred of aether in my being burns at the betrayal, loathes the man I had loved, the man I had given almost everything for.
I will not any longer. I hate him. I want to kill him. I hope he dies, alone, for all the pain he has caused trying to ‘protect’ his family. I will not let him have comfort in my arms, for he has left me so cold and bitter, trying to chase after him and plead, just for a speck of his love.

Duty, now a foul word in my mouth. He can label it however he wills. His duty to the realm is more important than even his child, never mind myself.
Falke will never know his father.

All I wanted, with the moon hanging so low in the sky, was to see my children one last time, to hold them in my arms, before I run to war, and face my death. I will not hide, I cannot… I am no coward. I will face this, and the children will be safe. I will keep them safe, not him.

All I needed… was a shred of his love. A shred of emotion in this awful time, when all of us are so near death, our fates burning bloody red in the sky. I did everything I could… kindness, begging, out-performance, starvation, neglect…

Was it only Navei, a man I hardly knew, who could see my broken heart? Love… it is not a thing for me. I will never allow my heart such a thing again. It’s as if my body is burning with a thousand open, festering wounds… and I’m rotting from within.

I am in Ul’dah now, hiding. If Shurin seeks me out again, I will kill him. I’ve forgotten what it is like to lay awake, alert at all times, Twelve I am exhausted… but if someone finds me I will be ready…

… I will be waiting…

2nd Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572

1st Sun, 3rd Astral Moon, 1572

I am paranoid.

Little time to take up the quill, balancing children, food, survival and the elements. All of it, this whole land is against us, how had I done it before on my own? Twelve… I am so lonely.
When I sleep, the dreams never end. Faces I cannot put names to.
Death, destruction, chaos.

Sometimes I wish it would all just come already. Enough signs, enough whisperings.
I’ve met many people on this endless road of mine.
So many suns set…
So many moons rise…
So many fall.
People, moons, it makes not a difference.
Falling.

My mind is muddled. It’s better not to think.
It is better to entertain these children.
It is better to cook the food.
It is better to hunt.
Better to bathe.
Better to train.
Better to cry.
But not dream.

I think of him but who is he? A mere wisp, that fog on the ground in the morn.
The North to my South.
The flame to my candle…
And yet, he is fleeting, and nothingness.

When the children wail I want it to be over.

My mind is muddled.

So I live.
Live to what?
Fight another day?
Hunt, feed these who cannot?
Make sense of the things surrounding me?
Feel love?

My shoulders are so tense…
I can’t stop training.
I can’t stop moving.
But my breathing some times, becomes so heavy, so constant, I cannot calm…
And then I have to kill something.
But I still do not feel complete.

… I will not break.

1st Sun, 3rd Astral Moon, 1572

7th Sun, 2nd Umbral Moon, 1572

(With this entry is a wrinkled piece of parchment, a letter, looking like it had been read many times.)

It has been nearly a full moon since I’ve written anything in my journal, something I’ve neglected to do with everything going on around us. It’s hard to think back and write down everything that has happened, so I am not going to.Dalamud is burning a bright red… bathed in blood like the Warrior. I do not think these people could ask for a more foreboding sign, something is going on in this world, and something terrible awaits us. Each time I go in to the cities, cloaked in thick cloth, I hear whisperings of what could possibly be causing the occurrence, each more foolish the louder it is told. Sacrificial cults bleeding for the lesser moon, the blood of fiends and even more foolish the waking of a Great Wyrm.I remember a man long ago who used to tell me stories of a woman, an Ice Queen, who tamed the hearts of such Wyrms… such stories now entertain my children, but thinking of him now sadly I have forgotten his name…

Back in the cities though, things seem to have become much more crowded of late. I keep eyes away from my form but on the streets of Ul’dah it is hard not to bump in to anyone. It seems to be boosting the markets though, there is no lack for anything within the wards.

We are still on the run though, from the woman looking to take Falke. Each sun wears on us, there are times I grow tired of having the children at our sides constantly. I will not tell Shurin this though, I cannot let him see me become weary of it all. The times of traveling with but a bow as my companion are over.
Speaking of that… I’ve received a letter from Endricane. I will keep it tucked in here, in case I need to read it over and over again, to remind myself of the agony I cause others. I’ve been thinking much about it, perhaps I need to pull away from Shurin as well, once this business is all said and done. Will I prevent the hurt, the agony, in the long run?

I am so numb, I do not know what to do at all anymore… just continue to sit under the dark sky and stare up at the burning moon with a babe in my arms. I think Dalamud will bring chaos. I think it will bring change. I think… it will bring the skies down upon us, and test our will to survive.

7th Sun, 2nd Umbral Moon, 1572

To Do List

To Do

Speak with Gospel
Deliver letter to Gospel
Speak to Shurin and Staar about Nel’s wedding
Find Navei -> I owe him a drink
Make first payment to the Mirage
Speak with Kurun and Ohlyn

To PurchaseSpices
Fruits and Vegetables
Preserves
Tea Leaves
Ale
Blankets
Soap
Cloth
Sleeping Draught
Harp Strings
Ink

9th Sun, 2nd Astral Moon, 1572

Much has happened.

We are no longer safe in one place. A woman is after Falke, and I’ve seen her. Lyraeta, Shurin and Staar call her. She has plans to steal the babe, and I will not have it. Not like Ruri… no, I will not let her have my boy. Shurin returned, I realized I have not noted. From where Staar had been, searching for his little girl. He did not find her, and instead ended up awfully wounded. His crew returned his to the Archanists, who healed him in… ways I know not. When he was well enough to move we set out to traveling, moving as much and as far as we could.

Suns now, it has been. We have taken to working shifts, the three of us, to protect baby Falke. Staar… having her return is wonderful… no woman do I trust more… no woman do I care for more. I wish she was my sister… I wish she was my lover, more attention from her do I receive than from Shurin these suns. Staar is such a beautiful, wonderful and caring woman… with such a wild mind, so free… I would like to be like her. She is my family now.

Shurin… is restless. He hardly sleeps or eats, is much too jumpy. Always ready for battle, always alert. For a few suns this was fine, but soon this wore on him. Whittled him down like bleached bone, he was losing so much luster, edge…
He snapped at me, yelled so angry, snarling like some beast. Often this happened, I shied from it or yelled back, and Staar yelled at us to stop yelling as Falke cried noisily.
This has been… for suns.
We have rented a chocobo cart and travel with the caravans, anything to cover our tracks, or even double around. We rarely stay in the same place for a sun, but I’ve no complaint. The boys are enjoying the adventure, I’m enjoying the air and open wild, the hunting dinner with my bow and arrow… and yet all so spoiled by the sour fact a very dangerous woman is hunting us, possibly around each next corner.

I’ve brought my harp with me, to practice on the road. I am getting better at it, and the boys seem to like it. I’ve started singing little tunes too, the ones father used to sing, though I do not believe I am any good at it.
We met a bard along the way, in one of the caravans. He took to teaching me a few things, which was kind of him. He told the boys stories, taught me new songs as well. He taught me that a bard sings true, of life, great or small. His song is the strength in a man or the mind of a mage… the skills of a warrior. Much of what he spoke of still swirls in my mind, it is a lot to take in… but I find myself calm when I play, calm when I hum or tune… like this chaos around us does not exist.
I find I am less… angry. Less sad about Shurin’s rejection, less worried for Staar… less scared about Falke and this woman chasing us.

I best be on guard… and write a list of things to pick up in the city.

9th Sun, 2nd Astral Moon, 1572

1st Sun, 2nd Astral Moon, 1572

It started with errands in Ul’dah.
Check on my stores, sell a few things, instructions to my retainers. I made some gil, picked up a few things for the house.
I went to the Mirage… I am thinking about borrowing some gil. I needed a few more forms, and when I ran in to pick them up I happened upon the man from the other sun. Navei, we spoke a bit, he offered to buy me a drink. I had a few bells before I had to return anyways, I accepted.

Of course, nothing is so simple anymore.
Shurin was there, and it upset me to see him drinking. It was not long though, as soon as he saw me he nearly dragged me out of the Concern, needing to speak.

Staar has returned. Something I never expected to hear. After so long, after she took Ruri and disappeared with hardly a word…
And she returned without the babe. This shocked me even more. Shurin was a wreck, and I could not blame him. I would have snapped had anything happened to my own children.
He told me to pack the children up, take them to the Ossuary. He wanted Falke examined… for what I do not know. I think he believes Ruri is dead… and will find some kind of validation in our child.
I did as he bid, and he left for the islands to track down Ruri, where Staar had been prior. He thinks Falke is in some kind of danger… and so I will keep them sealed up with me.

Of course… after this happened… I ran in to the brick wall of my past.

I thought I had slipped in to a dream when I recognized him, it had been far too many cycles. He looked… the same… the same as when I had left him so long ago, when he let me flee the panic I had caused, only to be swept in to the arms of another abusive trainer.
Endri… writing his name I stare at it now, I’ve never written it before. I never kept a journal in those suns, never dreamt of being allowed a quill or ink. I thought… he was here on orders. It never crossed my mind that he left. I… tried to kill him. I don’t remember much of what happened. Yelling, my arm hurting as he dragged me, I think Lyriah… it was all a blur of memories. I ached inside at that moment.

We talked…

(There is a whole paragraph here smudged as if on purpose, extending down most of the page, a few letters here and there recognizable but not enough to piece it together.)

So I will sit now… alone with my children… waiting for the inevitable.

1st Sun, 2nd Astral Moon, 1572

26th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

I thought I lost my journal, I need to be more careful with it. Then again, it was the last thing on my mind these last few suns. Too much to recall, I will only scribe down a few things that occurred.

I held training for the new group I’ve become involved with. Sparring matches, a few showed. Many were not even from the group itself, but another group, Nebulous I believe it is named. This stemmed from inviting Lyriah, a kind woman in truth. A few faces I knew, not all the names. Elriche was there, that was a foolish mistake. I guess he is truly blind now, a damned cripple, but he makes up his loss of vision with the wide berth of his mouth… I wonder if someone will cut out his tongue one sun, I do hope so less it be myself.

I fought on a team with Lyriah against a Hyur named Navei and a man I knew as Gospel… though it really could be any Hyur man simply switching a mask on and off, he never removes the bloody thing from what I’ve seen.
In any case, we battled. I was less concerned about he masked mage, though I was cautious, and more focused on the Hyur with the longsword. The fight eventually came between myself and this man, whose skills I was impressed by. He was swift enough to stave off my lance, entangled the two of us together in a mass of metal. I do not think he expected a lancer to get so close, it goes against everything Shurin taught me… but it happened. I closed it, pulled him forward… but did not expect the heavy mass of muscle and armour to come down upon me! Pinned to the ground under the complete weight of him I thrashed, found my dagger and thrust it to his neck.

The look in his eyes… I smile when I think of it now. Surprise, amusement perhaps.
I won. I will have to watch for this man that nearly best me in battle, I enjoyed our little dance too thoroughly.

Afterwards we went in to the range of Coerthas on promises of hunting a great beast. I knew of this creature, often wandering the hills myself, and after hearing tales of the way it slew enemies, figured it best I not face it alone.
Flawless was the execution of our attacks, not one single injury against a beast so magnificent. It was a proud moment for all of us as we split up the hides or anything on the corpse that was useful. I am sure the mountains are teeming with the overgrown things, perhaps I will again go out looking for more.

Ah- and another thing I forgot to mention…
Aylis. One of those damned women, one of the individuals that took Shurin away for so long… nearly the entire length of my pregnancy. She showed up, I had thought many of them in distant lands. Well, that was what Shurin had said… evidently he was wrong.
If she had stood to fight… if she had… I would not have thought twice about killing her, even in front of all the rest. I think she sensed this, kept a wary eye on me.
I hope to see her again… very soon.

When I returned home from the hunt the babes became completely unruly. I knew not what to do, they were impossible. Falke screamed, the babe would not stop. I tied to hush him, sing him a song, feed him, dance for him, read for him- I tried everything and he would not cease. This, of course, bothered the other boys… Cygnus wailed along with his brother and while I had my back turned, Crane began destroying the house.

It was a nightmare. None would stop, no matter how much I yelled at Crane… or soothed the other two. I went outside, shut the door, sat on the porch… and for some time I left them there on their own, things breaking within the house, crying endless. I reached out to Shurin, already on his way home… and when he returned and walked inside to see the disaster, he took charge.
Picked Crane up under his arm, scolding only with his eyes. Hushed Cygnus with a simple motion, sat him on his lap. Eased Falke out of his anger with a display of lights… the same motes that used to calm Crane and Cygnus… the same motes that awed me before.

All was quiet.

I let him play with them for some time, tried to tidy everything in the house… but could not get some of the colours off the wall. When I returned he had split Crane and Cygnus up for hitting each other. I took up Falke, fed him as he put the twins to bed.

Another night ending without incident, another quiet sleep in a warm bed.

… I am growing restless.

26th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

20th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

It is odd, the quiet of a house. The night, the darkness of my surroundings and yet familiarity. I can walk down a hall and know every inch, as if bright in my memory, and never falter.
This silence.
No candle cracking, no blankets shifting, breathing too low to be heard.
The children do not cry or murmur, the rain does not patter the rooftop this eve.
There is total calm, infinite space surrounding my form.
My world is solid, and I am frightened to make a sound.

It reminds me of a battlefield, soldiers long gone, the dying now too dead.
So much assaults you and yet, for a single endless moment, you can stand there in total silence, a void to the world.
I can walk through this fight, but now I can not help but falter.

I write this now in waking. Nightmares return to me, even as the man who holds my whole world still rests near. As I scribe this down, the dark making my eyes strain to see, I wonder if he knows, even if I do not tell him.
The dream has returned with him.

It is damp, cold, dark. The sky is red, as if it is on fire. I am panting, unable to catch my breath. He strikes, I snap my bow in two trying to deflect it. I stagger back, raising my arms.
Red and black, my gloves are so tight.
He strikes again, I slide to the left. The ground is mud at our feet as we dance back and forth, I’ve only a dagger left in my palm.
I think he is yelling my name, the rain makes it look as if he is sobbing.
I remember feeling lost, I remember having no choice.
I see an opening, I strike with my dagger… but it falls from my hand.
He had feinted, he had shoved his spear in the opening I gave him.
I fell back in so much agony that I could not speak. The rain pelted down on my face as I lay in the mud, shivering and cold. I looked down in disbelief, the weapon jutting from my belly… black leathers split open wide, rivers of red blood trimming the fabric.
He looks down on me as I’m choking, as I look back up at him. I gasp and try to speak as he kneels but there are no words, only sounds of dying. My sounds.
He hushes me like a child, touches my cheek so gently.
I close my eyes…

Then I wake beside him.

I thought I was rid of this dream, but it seems only natural my mind reels away from me.
I am too cruel to the things I love.
I am not cruel enough to the rest.

20th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

17th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

I am restless this sun, too restless.
I ran again, from Ul’dah to the sea.
I could not stop myself, I threw stones in the water until I collapsed.
Then I just screamed, endlessly.

I do not know why I am so tense, nothing is wrong.
My mind is blank.
I came home calm.
It is… perfect.

17th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

16th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

Love… is something I never thought I would be keen on again. It is an unending battle and a complete submission, a sad song and a tale untold… it is good and bad but mostly… it is intoxicating. Better than any drug, better than any substance, the high fills your head lifts you off the very ground. You feel light, unstoppable… whole.

Whole…
I am glad I feel whole again.

I met him on the pier, where I has sat starring at the sea, starring at the ships, starring at nothing always thinking of him. Your mind is uncontrollable then, completely out of your grasp. Words are so hard to describe such a feeling.
Yes, I met him on those docks. He returned, from checking on his ship, on the vessel that took him away from me, on the wood that protected him. Our conversations are so natural now, he seems much more relaxed, under the sun with his tanned skin. We rented a room, ate breakfast, drank tea.

Twelve… we flirted like youths. Little kisses, fleeting touches and cheek blushes…
Then, a bright idea. A night-ship tour. A favour owed. I went along with the idea.

We set sail late in the sun and by the time the sea swallowed the light sky, the party was in full swing. I drank, the ale tasted so terrible on my tongue but I did it anyways. So many sirens, so many women, and men! Just, people, as if this ship could have been the streets of Ul’dah! We danced about the planks, sang old sailor songs (I learnt a few!) and told stories. The torches burned, the ale never stopped flowing. There were people playing cards, people throwing up, people kissing and laughing and talking-
There were also women flirting. Flitting about nearly naked… mounds of breasts displayed like meat in a market. They made me furious, touching him as if I could not see, begging him to ‘assist them with their underclothing’. Everyone’s underclothing was too tight, I guessed.
I hit one, threw another overboard. This stopped them for a while.

We spoke of the sky, of ships, of anything that came to mind but not the future. No, not even the past.

Shurin got in a knife fight with a quartet of mauraders who thought it wise to check if I was wearing underclothing beyond my skirt. Of course, a few drunk fools against him was hardly a fair fight… for them.
Yet, instead of turning in to a bloodbath bets were being placed. Cheers, boos and shouts of ‘Jab! Jab’ and ‘No DUCK you fool!’ rose instead of groans or blood-lusting screams. My heart pounding so deafening, taking it all in before joining the cheers, the silver hair scattering about with each skilled move… that grin erasable from his lips.

It was almost early morn before we retired, spent from the night. I do not remember how we got the room, or how long I slept. I just briefly closed my eyes… and when I awoke he was laying beside me… so calmed and peaceful.
He looks so happy when he is like this, completely relaxed, so carefree… I wish I could make him the same each sun, if only for a few moments.
I could not help but touch him, I could not help but kiss him.
He roused, he held me so close.
We made love, for the first time in so many moons.

Being with Shurin… is not like being with other men. I feel whole, complete… perfect. That high is indescribable. It is like every single sun leads up to the very moment I am with him; the end. It is something about the way his skin feels against mine, or the change of his voice when he speaks only to me… it is in the way his body lusts for me and mine for him, in the way his eyes look afterwards.
His arms, clutching me close and protecting me…
His heartbeat… in time with mine…

And this night I promise to remember, even when it is painful. For I now know what it is like to have loved and lost… and gotten a second chance.

16th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

14th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

Many suns have past now since Shurin’s return. Many events unwritten yet, little time to sit alone and think, gather my mind and place it upon this page. Always better to start at the beginning.

Things quickly became more fluid when he moved in. The boys took to him, seem happier to have him around. Things around the house became easier; the cleaning and cooking and caring. I found myself watching a lot, from the door or the window, as our lives were suspended in a state of perfection… I etched the memories in to my mind for times of bitter darkness to come, of the battlefields fast approaching.
I’ve taken to playing the harp, though I am not so good at it yet. I will not play for Shurin, in fact I do not think he even knows I bought one. I wonder if I can write him a song, so far the only things I can strum out are old lullabies I remember as a girl.

Suns past, a flier caught my attention. Some kind of gathering on the beaches of Aleport. I wanted to smell the sea, break from the confines of our mountain home. So, Shurin left to hunt Imperials, and I took Falke to the beach.
I did not realize the turn out would be of many I knew, or recognized. Galvadan, Oskar, Eva, some from the Watch, some I knew in passing… some names I forgot. Some friends of Shurins that became my own. Lyriah, who was kind and concerned, always offering a hand. Aysun, who was sweet and shy and put fussy Falke to sleep so easily, even though he had not eaten.
There was also that man, from many moons ago. The one from Ul’dah, who threatened me. Did he notice me? I know not, but I made sure to keep my distance, and was careful not to be followed.

The sun, the salt air, all of it was quite relaxing. My child resting on my chest, the two of us under the sky surrounded by rippling water. Not a care in the world. Peace will be something my mind locks away… I do not get many of these moments.

Galvadan apologized, made amends. In truth, I do not know what to think of him. I do not know what to think of many.
The Watch had their meeting, I’ve little to say on it other than I’ve decided it will be too much of a burden on my life, the way it is now. I will not be rejoining them.

I am looking forward to the suns to come. Shurin will be checking on the ship, suggested we take a break from the house and the boys. One eve could not harm them. As well, an event for that new shell, the one run by that curious man…
I will be sure to write more down, if I have the time.

14th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

11th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

The twins woke me this morn, laying in the middle of the living-room, dry blood everywhere. On me, my clothes, the floor… My head was pounding, as if I was young again, to drunk to remember the eve before. But this was no youthful adventure, my throbbing arm made sure to remind me.
The boys were confused, Cygnus frightened. I calmed them best I could, consoled them and whispered sweet words, sat them at the table with cut fruit, told them to be good, then went to the bathroom and ran the water. I shed my tattered clothes, scrubbed the dirt, sweat and blood from my skin… cleaned out my wounds, a most painful process. But the boys were good, even Falke slept while I bandaged the flesh.

Then Shurin of all people shows up, the last person I wanted to see at that moment. I was tempted to throw him out. Of course, I did not.
I was a mess, we both knew. It had been a long time since I was injured so. He commented, but apparently Galvadan had gotten the worst of it. It made me glad he saw what I did to him, but angry that they had confronted each-other. Does not matter, none of it really matters.

He took up the bandages, secured them properly like I could not with a single hand… I avoided his eyes. We spoke of the fight, of mindless violence and habits. Then I cupped his face in my palms… and he starred at me like I was the enemy.
Now I knew how Galvadan felt when I looked at him- or anyone…

He asked me if I love him, and why. I wanted to yell, but my throat hurt so much, yelling was not something I wanted to do.
Of course I do, everything I’ve done, everything I’ve wanted has involved him, has been for him. Why?
BECAUSE! Because I fell in love, I let him see me, like no one was allowed to see me. I let him in to this broken heart, let him in past my walls so thick and high. And for so long he held me in his arms as his own, and then suddenly it all changes, and our lives break apart.
For duty, for honour, for this world.
He questioned always, always this why… constant. Why do I still love him, even though he can not let me? As much as I truly want to hate him, loathe and despise him for all the agony, I can not. Never. Never.
What did I want? Him to love me in return, any meagre thing he could give me; a comforting touch, a smile. At that point I was nearly begging for anything; a scrap of him.
He said he loved me.
I was in disbelief. I could not even doubt him, could not speak. I was collecting myself when Crane poked his head in, sucking on his little thumb. Shurin was quick, pulled a towel over me to make sure the boy did not see my wounds, as if we could protect their innocence a little longer.

I told him to play with his brother, he left down the hall. They are getting so big, growing so quickly. Come to think of it, Shurin has known them almost their whole lives; as close to a father as they will ever get.

We moved to the bedroom, I dressed properly and we continued our conversation. I recall how still he was, how formal he always tries to make conversations with me.
I told him of the Imperials, he resigned that my battle was needed. I did not tell him how blood-crazy I had been. I would only have proven him right.

We needed a change, we were both thinking it. Things needed to change. But, we knew we could not flee, he still had his duty. He spoke of running out of time. This applied to too much…
The war, the innocence of our children, our lives and the things constantly manipulating them. Gods or no I am beginning to resent the forces pushing and pulling us.

And then, I smile now as I write this, Shurin stood. He braced himself, took on a hard look, as if he was preparing for battle. He told me we needed to stop avoiding each other, ignore those damned forces playing with our lives.
I could not help it, he spoke like the man I remembered. I kissed him as if I were a girl again, so unsure. He held me tenderly, kissed me back… and it was as if we were again wild and uncontrollable under the stars so many moons ago.
We were closer than we had been in a long time, our foreheads pressed together, eyes locked with nothing to look in to but the others.

No more shielding me. He would still protect me, as he has always done but… he wants me at his side now, instead of behind him. He is not going to leash me any longer, though I know why he did. No more of this agony we placed upon ourselves before.
Perhaps with these promises, we will grow closer again, for the time we have.

He is right though. The chances of one of us never returning home is high, perhaps even the both of us. I will do everything I can to make sure that never happens but… I am just glad to have him back; have my heart stop aching as I rest in his thick, comforting arms, even as our babe wails for attention in the crib nearby, and a plate crashes to the floor in the kitchen.

This here is what makes my life worth living.

11th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

10th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

(This page has a few smears of blood upon it.)

Toto-Rak – This place could not remind me more of training. A maze, in essence, though last I remembered it was easier to die in those training mazes.With Shurin at my side I knew there was no chance of failure. I had been through this place more than once on Everwatch business with the Adder, and fighting beside him was more of a natural thing, after so long.
He wore full plate, impenetrable, that magnificent sword before him striking down the pests before us as if swatting flies. I came only armed with my magic, more worried what I would do with an actual weapon if things went awry, verbally, between the two of us.It was simple conversation, investigation. I was cold, so cold.
He knew, even if I hid my eyes behind a mask.

I confronted Galvadan, seduced him moons before. I got the painful truth, what I could not finish writing above.
He drinks me away. I cause him pain, enough so he must forget me… the boys…
I nearly killed Galvadan that eve, I wanted to, I so wanted to. The blood on my hands had to make me feel better, right? That’s what they taught me.
It was so hard not to burst in to tears over the Elezen man I had seduced, who I had tricked in to bed only to corner him and demand my answers. He is so damn stubborn, I think he truly loves me.
Like so many fools before him.
I do not think he will ever really understand, no matter how much I say it. I love Shurin… no matter how much pain that brings.

I do not think Shurin knew that I went out and did this. So, when we finally emerged from that stuffy cave, the smell of death and the deafening ring of ‘tek behind us… he turned, I knew what was coming.
The confrontation neither of us wished to start, about as safe as being down a hole with naught but archers above you.

We had to stop this.
Why was I being like this?
Like what?
Cold, like unbreaking ice.
Cold, dead, lifeless…
Because of him.

I ran… I ALWAYS run.

It was late, so dark… I had my daggers in my pack, I slipped them where they belonged.
Half ran, half walked… down the winding trails through the forest towards Coerthas, towards home. I killed any creature in my path, I was lucky… it was so late, and raining… no adventurer crossed my path.
I was blind, all I was was red, all I smelt was death, betrayal… which smells oddly akin to death.

I was close to Coerthas, where at least I could loosen my hair, run and clear my head, let the wind drown me. I never made it that far before things fell apart.
I was running, a bend in the road before me, I literally ran in to the group of them. Red and black, Imperials.
They saw me, startled as I was… but one of them recognized me. He shouted in shock… I still hear it ringing in my ears.
‘Snow!’
I do not know how he knew me. Perhaps we fought together. It did not matter, that was the last thing he said before my blade slammed in to his neck, ripping apart his throat as I twisted. He could not even scream, his blood spattering all over me.
There were seven in total. The rest must have been green, if soldiers at all. They ran back, attempted to escape through the forest. The slopes were to high I think, I came after them, planted a knife in the back of the one with the pistol as he fumbled to draw. Turned, so quick that it all seems like a dream. Slashed the face of another, he went down, howling in pain but not dead. One of them tried to pull a sword, it made it half out of the scabbard before its wielder had his belly split open. Another came at me, I dodged, let him pass me, killed the engineer cowering behind him without much meaning to. I was out of control, lost, screaming… I do not remember if it was in Eorzean. Another dead, I just remember he grabbed at my shirt, ripped it. Then shots, someone pulled out that sword, a gunblade, but was no good with it unlike the dead man. Grazed my shoulder, sliced at my back, I parried with my tiny blade, struggling, panting, thrust him back, he stabbed as I spun, sliced my belly, my shirt hardly clinging to flesh beaded with sweat and dripping with blood not my own. I managed to kill him, broke his hand, his nose… my blade must have found something vital.
The rest of it was too blurred… they lay dead, one merely dying.
I stood there, watched him gasp for his last breathes. My own breathing matched his as we locked eyes… but when he took his last and ceased… I continued to breathe… alive.

I remember him, if anything, vividly. Brown hair cut short, choppy. He was young, if I had to guess, he had not hit his twentieth cycle. His eyes were green, like the forest floor he laid down to die on. Except that grass was red, stained with the blood leaking from his throat… a sloppy cut on my part.

And then I was no longer alone with those dead Imperials, my own brethren slaughtered. I turned, and who else stood there but Galvadan.
I was covered in blood, clothes torn and indecent. But I was not sated. The blood was not enough, I did not feel better.
He spoke, I told him to leave. Twelve, I SCREAMED at him, screamed and screamed and screamed but he would not listen. He moved closer, I grew defensive, swiped at him, cut him. He would not leave, I wanted him gone, I wanted to be alone and cry, and I could not do that in front of him.
He advanced, I pushed and slashed, soon he was on the ground bleeding, hardly as much as I was. My arm was limp, hurt so bad I had to use my other palm to strike out.
Others came! How?! So late at night, wandering by? Thinking now it doesn’t make sense… Galvadan called them, but why? They just stood there, looking like fools. I would not strike them all, I just wanted to be left, heh… that foolish man.

I felt caged, enclosed. Galvadan approached, another man as well. Words, I do not recall. I lashed out, I did not want to be touched. I think I screamed at them, my throat hurts so much. I aimed my blade for his palm, but met resistance not at all like flesh and muscle. Metal, that connection brought me half back from oblivion.
Did I lose my dagger then to him? Something pulls at my mind even now thinking of that metal, of that voice, but then it breaks as Galvadan forces himself in to my mind.

I resist, strike out… flee.
I am still running away, even though I walk past them all, seeing them as nothing but possible enemies, should they touch me, should they move any closer…

I found myself under a tree, Coerthas finally. The pain caught up with me, the wounds… the terrible ache in my chest. The battle only briefly relieved me of it…

Then again he approached, that man. I focused on him like I did the dying boy… older this one, muscled frame, goggles…
We spoke for a time, he told me his name. I was so quiet, starring, trying to hide my pain. He saw me for what I was… seemed upset I had killed that engineer. I think… we are somewhat alike, but how I know not.
He gave me supplies, offered his chocobo but I declined. Then he was on his way…
Endemerrin Rosethorne…

The walk home was long, painful. But I made it. The boys were already in bed. I thanked the old woman who was hesitant to leave but did… and collapsed on the living-room floor to finally rest.

10th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

9th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

Time makes fools of us all, and most of all me. The things we do seem so insignificant as the suns pass… and then they amass, and begin to roll everything we know.
Past, present, future. Each causes too much pain. When did life become so difficult to live?

Shurin hardly stayed after that night, but most of it remains a blur. Was he just a blur? It felt like it. Like he is some kind of spirit, constantly floating about my house.
I am trying to move past, move forward, but every time I do I lose my mind…

I spoke with Ildorath, he took me out.
That place… at first… it was fun…
And then I started thinking I was back home, back in the arms of soldiers drunk on booze and blood-lust.
I was frozen, could not move. I wanted to sob and wail, but in this place full of people, no one would truly hear me.
I ran.
I always run.

For a time after that it was quiet. The boys were good, as they usually are. They begged me to go outside, but I did not want to.
At least they have stopped screaming his name, for now.

I want my confidence back. I want to walk around with my head high and not just be faking everything. The more I stay in Eorzea, this place, the more I realize how much alike my past and present have become.

My nameday went unnoticed again, something I am used to-
There is someone knocking at the door. I best leave the rest for later…

9th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

4th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

Conflicted as I was… of course I did not speak with him. No, instead I let it rest, let the suns go by… let it last… until then of course it all went wrong.
It all goes wrong.

Third sun, he left. Promised to return… promised.
Lied.
He never came back. The boys wailed, cried for him the rest of the eve.
‘Shu! Shu!’ Twelve…
They cried, I cried because they would not stop.
Returns only to uproot everything.

Took me suns, but I tracked him down. I am rusty on that as well.
Limsa. He stunk of booze. Sat there alone starring at the ocean. I approached him… we spoke.
I got angry… upset.

I understand, I know he cannot stop. I know…
But I cannot let things lie, I need him there… I need something…
I am so lonely, empty.
And as much as I want it, he can give me nothing.
I am a fool, it will not change.

I told him not to come home.
I walked away.

I was furious. I never wanted to see him again, never wanted anything…
Busted out my gear, strapped everything on, found a flier promising kills.
And he was there.
I was like a statue. Did not speak to anyone, could not look at him I was so MAD!
I hardly heard anything commanded of me, felt like I was suffocating in the hollows of Casseopia.
And then we fought the buffalo… the great buffalo… under the sky Falke was born under.

I could not help but watch him fight, had to…
Then he fell, my heart ripped out.
I got him up, screamed and fought.
Thought I lost him.

And then it was over, all over…
He walked to me… the whole eve trying to be near… knowing he could not be, that I had told him to go…
I wiped the blood from his face, looked at him, longed for him.
I am so endlessly sad…
I brought him home, tended his wound… sobbed quietly…

We will never be right.
He does not love me.
I am going to be alone, always.
And that is how it will end.

4th Sun, 1st Umbral Moon, 1572

30th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

I woke up this morn to an empty house. No children, no sound…
Panic of course, set in quickly. I searched everywhere.
Beds, empty.
Rooms, empty.
Closets, empty.
They were nowhere, the house was lifeless.

I tossed on some clothes and rushed outside to look for any trace, my heart racing quick, my mind pulsing. Laughter, outside… it greeted me before the rush of morning breeze. The boys were in the yard, laughing and playing. I ran to the yard, hopped the fence, and padded barefoot through the grass towards them.

Cygnus had his little face wrinkled, focused, aether flowing between his hands, snowflakes glimmering in the morning light. A ball of snow formed, sailed through the air, only to be swiped down by Crane… a wooden stick fashioned to his size in his hands, the two of them squealing in delight.
Falke slept near in a basket, basking in the warmth of the day. I sat beside him, smiled as I watched them play, smiled as I watched that silver hair shine in the sun, laughing and encouraging the little soldiers before him.

He chased them, smiling and running, playing the monster, then ran from them as if they were gallant warriors. The smile on his lips, his laugh… I just remained to myself, soaked it in, closed my eyes to burn it in to my memory.
Twelve knows when I would hear it again.

He stayed the sun. It was surprising, but I asked for no explanation. We avoided each other… kept to ourselves, Twelve it pulled at my heart to be so near, to have my nose inhale the fleeting smell of him. I played the good wife, and for a time we could pretend there was peace…
Yet, it felt so broken.
I let the children have their father, playing with him, talk to him, tug at his hand. He taught them words, skills… wore them down.
They napped, I fed Falke, he chopped firewood… I watched from the window.

It seemed perfect.
Occasional glances at the weapon-room… a distance in his gaze and this kids laughed and played around him… before attention was demanded… and he snapped from it.
I tried to involve myself, made idle chatter but…

I have to confront him… have to ask him… tonight
I cannot keep doing this anymore.
I will break.

30th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

25th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

Breathe…
Inhale…
Exhale…

The air is cool around me, my skin pricks to it.
It is dark, but my eyes are closed.
I know my surroundings even if they are.

I stand in a fenced yard, grass brushing against my bare ankles.
I wear loose fitting clothes hiding thin features.
The moons hang low in the night sky, white porcelain contrasting the thick pool of blood.
My form is perfect, muscles taunt and ready, feet planted firm.
My elbow is raised, offensive, poised to strike.
The dagger in my hand is heavy, as I remember…

I clench my fingers around the hilt, and strike.
One!
Two!
Three!
My first invisible opponent is down. My feet keep moving, my hair brushes against my cheeks.
Slash down!
Slash up!
Stab!
The next has fallen.

I plant my feet again, twist and slash in my position. Sweat drips from my forehead down my nose.
My cheeks are flushed.
I pant for breath, lips parted.
I keep moving, I cannot stop.
I have to fight.
I have to win.
I have to…

I am stabbing the ground now, my blade enters the soil much smoother than it does flesh…
For the ground does not have bones…

I am yelling now, at least I think I am, lost in my mind muddled with thoughts of previous battle…
I keep thrusting the blade down…

There is a hand on my shoulder. I turn, strike the form with the back of my left hand, he is thrown aside. My eyes are still closed, it is quiet besides the panting from both of us. He is on me again, holding my wrists, but I am struggling. His hands are strong, big. My body is soft, weak…
I kick, he grunts in pain. I kick again, he tosses me to the ground. The dagger is gone.
I open my eyes and he is above me, holding me down like a squirming animal. I am crying, yelling, but my voice is hardly a sound.

He is that man from before, who cut the grass, who watched me from the fence.

He tells me to be quiet, tells me everything is going to be alright. I want to hate him for saying that.
He leans down to kiss me, I fight again.
His taste is in my mouth, but my hand finds the dagger. I slash up, catch his cheek.
He yelps and jumps back.
Wounded…
Like an animal…
Hardly a scratch, I can see it in the moonlight.

I am probably pathetic and covered in dirt.
I stand, I forgot I had legs.
I run to the house, lock the door.

And I do not light the lamp that night.

25th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

23rd Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

Everything before that night now seems so mundane.
As much as I scrub this clothing, as much as I wash these counters, as much as I beat the rugs or pick up toys or make beds…
All of it seems so pointless.

Yes, I know he will tell me I am taking care of his family…
Of his child…
Of his home to come back to…
But after that night, I feel like an insignificant piece in a much larger puzzle.

He returned, standing in front of the house looking so stoic, so official. It felt like a visit from a commanding officer, not a lover. He wished to speak with me, even brought the old woman to look after the boys. I returned inside and dressed, and when I emerged we walked closer to the tall mountains surrounding the village, at the very back where I had only wandered a few times before.

There he explained to me all the missing pieces. Instead of wordlessness to hate I now had the truth… and I suppose even that is better than a lie.
Stormguard and the protection of artifacts. Noble… a path his ‘Gods’ would be so proud of. Has he truly found all his answers, or is he out there seeking more? He has the truth of his life now, his past, being dedicated to these pieces of some lost world.

The sword… that artifact he himself holds… makes him look untouchable…
By anyone, even me.

I knew standing there, looking around at all the amazing buildings, breathing the strange air, that anything I had to say would be so insignificant, so futile. His story was so powerful.
Him, Riley, Almaz… the rest of them… straying from the Guard. I almost wish they would have brought me with them… knowing now how things turned out.
And I will still hate Riley with every bone for taking him away. If I see her again… (scribbles follow this)

I think I cried, I do not remember now. I just wanted to hold him, but I do not even remember if I did that. Everything seemed so fuzzy in that place.
I remember clutching his hand though… the texture still the same as ever, the grip…
Seems I’ve already stopped begging for more…

The village is in on it too, and maybe this is why they keep their distance. I am here of a Guardians will, to be protected. I am no soldier, no part of their plans… just an extra burden. To be watched, only.
By the end of our walk, by the time we slipped back inside the house, I felt like my chest was a torn, gaping wound stinging me constantly, reminding me always my heart would be there, whole or no.

What surprised me though… is he made dinner. Dinner, of all things, for the both of us. Did he perhaps see my uselessness, sitting there starring off to nowhere, mind muddled with the discovery…?
Upon his return the least I could have done was cook…
After some time I turned my eyes to watch him, had to see him standing in the kitchen, cooking as I did every sun… the knife in his hand the only blade I had touched in too many suns.
We ate mostly in silence, I could hardly bring myself to eat never mind speak. Childishly, I thought if I ate slower, I wouldd have him there longer. But Falke had other plans, waking up in the middle, demanding to nurse, demanding to be held. So, I brought him back in to the kitchen while Shurin did the dishes, wrapped tightly in a blanket, azure hair a fuzzed mess.
I’ve forgotten to mention in my journals… his eyes have turned from their dark shade. An icy blue hue, brighter than even my own in the light. His father starred at him… had he ever looked at me like that? Once upon a time… surely…
And then… he looked at me… then and there…
I did not breathe as he did, did not move, just starred up at the man. He lifted his hand, still dripping from washing the dishes, moved it towards my cheek…
Then a knock at the door stole everything. He moved away, dried his hands, went to the door. I covered the child at my breast, eyes holding a tinge of hate for the man that stood there, ragged, smelling of toad saliva and a more bitter bite to my nose, gunpowder. I grew wary in an instant.

They exchanged words, his curious eyes flirting back towards me, and I sat a little straighter. A message I did not hear, words as if complaint. They nod at each other… the man leaves and the door shuts… and grey eyes turn to look at me, but not like before, and never again that night like before.
I saw it in his eyes even before he said it, that he was leaving again. A few bells I got, bells I should have spent closer.
I felt cold, looked away…

Some men had gone rouge while a ship was in dry dock for repairs. His ship…
He needed to find them and kill them… before it was used as an excuse…
And then he would have no more ship…
I could not even feel selfish…

I stood, picked up his sword-belt, and handed it to him, one arm holding the babe. When he took it, I placed that hand on his cheek… Twelve I smiled for him as my heart ached. I stole a kiss from his cheek, nodded… bowed my head and pulled the blanket from Falke’s head, his wide eyes blinking up at me, then looking to his father, watching him…

He left, to duty.
I remained, to duty.

23rd Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

18th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

I was called in to town today.
Business, Kurun and Ohlyn needed to speak of stores… I had to retrieve some items… I suppose overall it was productive. I plan to sell of a few pieces of old gear, raise money for some things the house needs, after all I will need to buy the materials for those new curtains.
I retrieved some food I had stored as well, mostly herbs and spices, ingredients. I have enough time now to make each meal separate… to make each from scratch.
Twelve, I remember hating being in the kitchen with my mother as a child… yet the twins seem to enjoy it.

Unfortunately, my stores have not yet been moved from Ul’dah. So, I braved the city cautiously, attended my meeting, and hopped on the next airship to Limsa where I could wander about the docks, and check on the ships… see if any of the soldiers had arrived in port.

I ended up in Limsa, but definitely not on the docks. Lifts, I never much liked them. I had been trapped in one before, but the last time I had much better company.
The woman named Miyu. I had almost forgotten her completely. She killed a boy, her brother, a man who served in the Guard… a man I was to train, so very long ago it seems now.
I have no qualms with this woman, and with my new life I saw no reason to pursue such. I apologized, truly… but got only harsh words and looks from her.
I suppose being trapped together did not help that situation…

Either way, if she forgives me or no… I need to put her from my mind. Dwelling on such old contacts… such different times. It does make me miss the Guard, the times we shared. I try to wipe these thoughts quickly away… it makes me pine for the past, and no one can go back a single tick, never-mind a sun or a moon.

The man I ran in to before came to our rescue. I still cannot remember his name, but I remember his face now. Angled, tan, eyes like my own. He seems hurt when he looks at me, and something in my mind tells me not to cause him pain.
Not that I can stop myself… it seems I am good for nothing else.
In any case… we climbed up the lift-shaft, dirtier than any cave I had ventured in to in my cycles of exploration… but came out at the top. Filthy, of course… but no worse for wear.

He offered me a cloth for my face… I thought he was going to touch me… my heart nearly stopped in fright.
I do not know when I became so scared of men… it is not like me.
I suppose I am more scared of the pain.

We parted there, and quickly, after I gave him the dirty cloth back. I could not go looking now, not dirty as I was. The bath when I returned was a good thing.
Wash away the dirt…
Wash away the thoughts…
Wash away the tears I will not cry.
But no matter how hard I scrubbed, how raw my skin became… the tightness in my chest has not gone away.

18th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

17th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

I’ve had more dreams.

Dreams of battles long over, of fires burnt out and cold, of desires unfulfilled… and of him.

The battle is there in many forms. It is either red and black; beside my past comrades, against fleeing innocence, towards the things I wish I could take back. Or the battle is grey and white, blinding… as if the sky itself burnt brighter than a thousand suns.
In these battles I fight. There is a weapon in my hand, so familiar and real.
In these battles I kill. Blood stains my skin, seeps in to every pore.
In these battles I die. Always on the ground… cold and alone… gasping for my last breathes.

The fire always feels so hot. It is always the same, never changing, the hues always flickering, licking like a lovers tongue, scorning like a lash. The fire is all around, or it is far, but no matter the distance… it always cracks in my ears, sears my flesh to the bone and roars brighter than any flame I knew before.
In the fire I see my village. Burning and broken, stolen.
In the fire I see my father. Fighting and screaming, dying.
In the fire I see my childhood. Fragile and smouldering, gone.

The desire is the worst. An untamed beast, a hunger from within needing pacification, wanting to be sated… needing to be silenced. It is pure need, and yet selfish wanting. It is something I can not control, something I know I can not stop…
In my desire I am with a man. He takes me as if I were his.
In my desire I struggling. He fights back as if I were his.
In my desire I submit… as if I were his.

And him. He is always there. A form, a sound, a shadow a thought or a want.
Always him.
His body is a haunting form.
His heartbeat is a pounding sound.
His protection is a flickering shadow.
His love is a comforting thought.
His love… is merely a want.

I do not want to dream any longer.

17th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

15th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

Three suns… has it been three? My last entry seems to be dated for the 11th sun… and this day is the 15th.
I suppose it was three then, that the little babe cried and wailed without console. My head is so numb, I can hardly recall the days.

He would just cry. Wailing like I’ve never heard from the twins. It was thee pitch that, if I closed my eyes, I could imagine from a battlefield. Beyond the fighting, the dying and screaming… there is always sobbing in the distance, like the under-layer of those fabrics made from sound.

Falke made Crane and Cygnus irritable, confused… they were both unruly… Crane would knock things over for attention. Tables, plates… anything he could get his hands on. But with Falke screaming in my arms I hardly had the ability to care for all three.
By the third sun I could take no more…

I tucked Falke in his cradle, told the boys to go to their room, and sat outside the front door in the dark, the only light coming from the lamp I lit every night… and the sound of three children wailing within covered the sounds of my own sobbing.
I was used to being sleep-deprived on the road, in battle. By then it had been nearly three suns fully. My ears rang, my hands shook… and I just left them there to cry.

My only saving grace… I can’t recall how long I sat out in the cold barely clothed until she came over.
The old woman from the house closest to ours, the one who often cared for the boys when I had to leave.
I think she hugged me… but her arms were so thin, she reminded me of Eva.
I miss Eva.

She took the children to her house, told me to sleep. I did, I collapsed in my bed, I do not even remember walking there.
The house was so quiet I could hear my own breathing… and where as once I could hear his, it put me to sleep all the same.

My dreams were as muddled as my mind. Snow falling from the sky, hitting my face and tangling in my hair. I run, laugh… but I don’t remember why.
Eva is running in front of me, I recognize her hair. She leads me to a house, guides me inside and places her hands on my shoulders, guiding my to a chair.
I am sitting to dinner at Gunthers then. I do not remember why, dressed so regally, the table so long, it stretched in to the distance, and even my eyes could not see the end. My Lalafell comrade merely nodded to me… and took another bite of his aldgoat steak.
I look down at my hand, wondering if I had my own plate… and find my palm bleeding. A knife in my other hand rimmed in my own blood. There was no more table, only a man standing before me. Ariciont, grasping my bleeding hand with his rough palm, pulling me off the chair, starring at me with bloody eyes. He turns me around and shoves me to a flight of stairs. I do not look back, I continue to descend.
Syesta meets me at the bottom, jumps happily, dirt staining her smithy clothes. She prattles off to me in Garlean, hands me a rifle, so heavy in my hand. She leads me to a target which is no painted board…
Rhio is strapped to it, hanging limp, and she does not look up at me.
I raise the rifle as if I was suddenly back home, my commander behind me, whispering words of encouragement… hands touching me all over. I closed my eyes, and fired.
Then I am suddenly falling against some rough surface, sliding down the face of a cliff. I struggle, I grab a rock, dangle over the abyss. A hand reaches down, grips mine, pulls me up. It’s Oskar, smiling broadly at me, pushing hair back from my cheek… the warmth of his palm against my skin. He hands me a dagger, tilts his head towards the battle near us as if telling me ‘go join’.
I break free and run, the snow now ash against my face, blackening my hair. I lunge for an enemy, dagger forward as he turns to receive me, and the thud of my blade in to his chest, the rip of flesh, comes from Shurin before me. The lance in his hand was not meant for me.
He made no dying sounds as I clutched the dagger, unable to let go or pull back. He merely wrapped his arm around me… kissed my forehead… and then I could hear his breath in my ears, feel his arms around me.
‘Deirdre…’ he whispered so low, so smooth…

I snapped awake viciously, alone in my bed, blankets wrapped tight around my shivering form.
I wanted to cry more but my body had no tears left. My cheeks were already stained and flushed. I had cried as I slept.

And now I must return to my children.

15th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

11th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

The second sun with my weapons locked away seemed harder than the first. I thought it would get easier, and found myself wrong in such ways of thinking.

Falke makes my body sore… I eat and feed, eat and feed… is it that causing my sudden lack of energy? Crane was my only motivation, running around the house knocking things over. I had to chase him.
Then Falke began crying…
Cygnus began wailing…
Crane screamed and covered his ears.

Twelve what noise we made this morn; not the kind of noise I am used to making… that wakes people up.
I must have yelled at them, for it came to a sudden halt, each boy with tears in his eyes starring right at me. And I stared back, hopeless on what to do.
And then the crying started again, this time from all three.

I gathered them up, hushed and cooed, anything I could.
Mother guide me… I’ve not the strength, nor the knowledge to be like you. After all, what else did my own mother teach me but rejection and abandonment?

But eventually the cries turned in to sniffles… and the sniffles in to hiccups… and those hiccups in to giggles…
Soon we were all laughing, with Falke starring up at us confused and half-frightened.
The rest of the sun seem to fall without a hitch. Outside is our favourite place, it reminds me I can still be free, still breath fresh air, when I know only some have the copper taste of a smoky battlefield. I dragged out a cut barrel for the twins, hauling water from the well and pouring it in, a make-shift tub for them to splash, naked as the day they were born; laughing, not wailing.

One of the village men, a Highlander, wandered his way over. I thought he intended to pass by, but he stopped, cooling in the shade with Falke and I, watching the boys.
We chatted idly, after I had the decency to cover the babe at my breast. He commented on the boys, how happy they seemed… and I agreed. Even Cygnus seemed to be opening up more… whether because I was around more often, or the shine of the sun.
Idly though, we spoke. I forget his name, writing this now, but he was a kind man. Offered to trim the yard, and I accepted of course. I had no idea yards needed trimming, knew not where to start and had little patience for it as well as handling three boys.
Sliding a thumb against little Falke’s cheek I watched him work the scythe, chest twinging in pain… hardly able to ignore it.

We parted, I brought the boys inside for a nap…

I fell asleep against the locked door, the room inside containing my weapons… my armour… I passed out for so long… it was not until Crane hit my knee that I jerked awake.
‘Fah! Fah!’ He cried, and only then did I realize Falke was crying, and it had not woken me up.

The rest of the eve I spent groggy, half-laying on the couch with the babe, Cygnus and Crane on the floor with colour-sticks and parchment. It was a blessing when they passed out… until Falke decided it would be a wonderful night to keep me up. All I wanted was to close my eyes and rest… but it was like that front porch flame kept him up, all he had done since I put the twins to bed and lit the lantern… was cry.
No lullaby consoled him, no amount of feeding or changing or holding or pleading…
I sang every song I knew, Eorzean or no… songs I forgot I knew, some I merely hummed because I could not recall the words, or was too tired to even remember. Still he sobbed, cried, hiccuped and recovered and began sobbing again…

And I just stared at him, pleading softly until I couldn’t anymore…

11th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

10th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

First sun down, how many to go?

I woke to the sounds of Falkes cries. Twelve he eats so much! Waking early, with the rise of the sun, staring up at me with such oddly dark eyes. Will they change? Shurin did not give him such hues, and nor did I.
He had hardly finished eating when Crane padded in. ‘Momma! Momma!’ He cried, so needy for the attention. He walks so well now, he is grasping such simple tasks. Cygnus though… seems behind. He does not speak much Eorzean, where as Crane seems to be able to prattle off both.

Breakfast we ate together, fresh fruits and flat-cakes. I talk with the boys more than I think I’ve talked to anyone… to my parents, to the men I obeyed back home, to Shurin on our adventures, to the souls I trained in the guard… to Oskar, or even my comrades in the Watch. I prattle on about the messes they make, the way they struggle when I clothe them, the colour of the sky that day, and how tall it could possibly be. About tiny bugs scooting by or massive beasts of legends… of how Crane should be kind to his younger brother… and how they both need to protect Falke, and their mother too.

We played outside, Falke resting in a basket starring up at the blue sky his father wished him to see. I chased Crane, squealing, around the yard, and watched Cygnus finally… finally struggle to stand… so he could stumble after us, so happy and so proud of his accomplishment.
Villagers walked by watching us, smiling at us… but no one stopped to speak with me. Are they afraid? Shurin and I had guarded them for how long…? They knew us, knew who we were. Now I return, one baby added, one man subtracted.
I would avoid asking questions too…

Later in the eve we settled in the living-room in front of the fire, pronouncing our a, b, c’s in both languages. We sang little songs, counted, while the babe cooed softly, grasping at my hair hanging wildly around my shoulders.
I tucked them in, hushed them to sleep with a story of a man and his noble bird, riding off to destiny, to lands far and unknown…

And it was only when I laid in bed, alone… that it felt wrong. The rest had been so wonderful, so nice… and now I cannot sleep with this coldness.
I tucked a dagger under my pillow, left the light by the front door burning… just to keep some hope. And when that flame finally gutted out, I had no choice but to close my eyes and hope the next eve did not bring such emptiness… to blot out the rest of the sun.

10th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

9th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

(A few imprints of ink blot the top of the page, as if trying to begin, but unable.)

… I’ve been mulling over this for a while. Everything happens so quickly, how do you recount it all down? Write perhaps for anothers eyes to see?This will be no tale of a hero. No tale of a rescue, of triumph… or of love.
A sad little story that will end up being mine. Of the evils, of the defeat… of struggle.Oskar gave me a choice a few suns back; kill him and keep my job or prove Falke was not his child and lose my only source of gil. I showed him the child of course, the child I knew was not his. The rounded ears gave him away immediately, gave his father away instantly… and the disgust on that crippled mans face made me want to watch him suffer.
So of course I chose the only possible course of action at the time, I snuck in to his home, dagger in hand, ready to thrust the steel in to his lung, and make him apologize to Falke as blood bubbled up from his lips.
Instead, I was greeted by Wailers… and like a fool… got myself caught.

Bells I paced back and forth in that cell… a caged animal…

Ildorath posted a large donation for my release. Of course, the Wailers could not really prove what I intended to do, only that I had no reason to be there… and I stood my ground against the young one who confronted me.
I must be losing my mind, I wanted to kill him too.
Ildorath as well…
Anyone at that moment I saw… I was getting weaker. Cycles ago, I would have never been in such a place.

I bent. Obliged. Left.
No longer will I be a part of the Everwatch.
I let him oust me without much of any sort of resistance. I could not focus, not in talking with Oskar, nor to Eva… nor to anyone. I did not know what I was going to do… he had taken away my purpose.
And so, I needed to find a new one.

I spoke with Shadow again, made him an offer.
Service… reinstated. Gave him a token of loyalty…
How easily I went running back.

Then… the next eve… a knock at the door so unexpected.
And he stood there soaked in the downpour… in armour, a bag and a lance over his shoulder… a soldier back from war.
Except… this war had hardly begun… I knew he would not stay for long.
He left his bag in the same place as before, as when we had been happy… so happy. It was as if we could have sunk back in to those suns.

He inquired after the child, and it hit me then that he had not seen him. I let him see Falke, of course… and the way he looked at him made me forget about Oskar and his cane. Made me forget about the Everwatch, of Shadow and promised blood, of anything that had ever hurt before.
That always comes crashing back, the reality of it all.

‘Marked by the Gods for a greater purpose.’ … I won’t let them take Falke like they took Shurin from me. I have to look in to this more, and I have to be careful with my child.

As it grew later it was only inevitable we continue our conversation… a conversation that has not ended for moons. The very reason we fight, the reason it makes it easier for him to leave.
‘Give up the blade… raise the children…’ he tells me. Each time I answer back viciously… each time he looks at me with those eyes. He is so strong, standing there with his broad shoulders that never show the weight of his burden. I am so weak, I crumple down or fight back with disgusting words… and he asked me to give up the one thing I had to defend myself from anyone who wanted to hurt me, to do that for my children, for those innocent boys unaware how terrible the world was in which they lived.

I knew eventually if I held on to the pommel, if I never let go of that grip, that my boys would find out how awful the Gods could truly be. Because as you fight, you eventually die…

I made a promise I do not think he expected to hear.
I will lay down my arms, I will not seek employment. I will remain here, safe, with my children, and raise them as a mother should.
How empty I felt when I said those words. How alone… I do not know if he could see it.

It is an odd drifting feeling, such change.
It’s a sick feeling, such loneliness.

He left after that to speak with the elder. I fell asleep with Falke on my chest, the warmth of the babe there, hoping to replace some of the hollowness. When I woke, the child was in his arms, reclined in a chair asleep as I had found him before. And as I stared at the man such a stranger, and yet so familiar… I wondered the same things I always wonder.

How long will you stay…?
When next will I see you…?
Why are you so distant… so cold…?
And if I ask these things, or more… will you just leave?

If I am to do this, to raise these boys and shed no blood… no tears… I need something to fill this hole in my chest, that previously was padded up with the furious hate I brought to the battlefield.
And if I cannot get it… it is only a matter of time before I seek it…

What he cannot seem to understand… is I am not as strong as he is.

There is nothing now to protect me Shurin, I hope you know what you have asked of me.

9th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

31st Sun, 6th Umbral Moon, 1571

It has been too long since I’ve written. To be honest, I’ve forgotten about this journal. It was tucked away in a box, and only now in opening it, in trying to find a place for the meager possessions I have, I come across the desire to write, to recount.

There is little to say, and I can write this but I know I may continue, scrawl and scrawl until one of the babes wake, perhaps even after. Many things have happened, so many I am afraid I will forget them all, that they will begin to replace the long gone memories I do not want to lose.

I am nearly seven moons with child. I am likely to birth soon, and thankfully so. The babe is hindering me… battle I am useless, mundane tasks I am useless. My body betrays me more like this than ever before in battle, when steel is drawn up. Too close I have been to losing this child… and it is something I cannot do. No matter the burden on my life, on myself, I cannot let go of something that’s been growing within me for so long. I am the only thing protecting it… and I should not need to protect it from myself.
Yet… I wish someone was there to protect me.

The Everwatch is taking an interesting turn, down in to the Black. Shadow was surprised to hear from me, and rightfully so… I must be careful what comes of our renewed relationship. But hopefully the paths we begin to take as a group begin aligning with the things I want… and even those things are still very blurred like water over ink.

Gil is of no concern for the moment. I’ve bought the house back, had a few villagers assisting me with the move… not that I had much to move. Mostly toys, gear and weapons. The boys have their own room though, or the beginning of one. They sleep with me for now until I can get things organized, which should begin next eve. There’s still so much to do before I will be happy with it… but it is a start.
The old couple next door was happy to see me return, and commented how the boys have grown. They truly have, no longer can I carry them together around The Shroud in a bag. Though there were many questions about Shurin… most of which I painfully avoided. I think they understood my pain, even though I did not mean to show it, my emotions have become hard to contain, even more so as of late.

I promised this would be our home, and I did some horrible things to make a place for us… maybe one sun those things will pay off. At least the boys have open air now, and soon they will have beds of their own. They look so much like their father.

Crane is stirring, so I best set this aside, all he wishes to do recently is run around, as if not even the Twelve could stop him. I will write again soon.

31st Sun, 6th Umbral Moon, 1571

Undated

(This entry is more of a scribble, the elegance gone from her writing.)

Eva didn’t show, shouldn’t be surprised. Tea went cold, did not bother to clean up.
Ariciont was always cruel, wasn’t he? Is it such as nature that men leave…?
I have to make more gil, I do not have enough. Not nearly enough.
Have to find another bed, another man…
Cannot stop thinking about Shurin…
Cannot keep writing…
Cannot live…Why breathe…?(Undated)

4th Sun, 6th Umbral Moon, 1571

I am being followed.
I recognized the man after a few long ticks, he had started after me before. One of Alothia’s men, very unsurprising… Corvus is becoming as annoying to me as Sanctus was.
Curious man… risky as well… telling me I was being watched from afar. He does not fear me, it seems… he will learn soon enough. A challenger, all I need to fire up my heart, it pounds now, in the thought of battle against him. The push, the pull, the agony….

Why though? I admit, I was curious. Then he told me… and I could not resist the laughter, tears so nearly came to my eyes.
I am being charged with attempting to kill Alona Rhys and Miyu Asuka.
Yes, he spoke no lies. He could not think of anything else to tell me but those two, did not know any of my other true crimes. A true fool, if he thinks I was even half serious about those two whores.

Ah, Alona… back from my suns in Sanctus Refero. Long past moons, ages ago, and the only good thing coming out of such time spent was Shurin, my dear Shurin.
I think back now, and I cannot actually remember. Did I thrust my dagger against her? She matters so little that I do not even recall, and I hardly believe I did. Or… is he speaking of the incident with Mtoto, where fresh from battle we went to speak with Alona together of the issues her members had caused? That had been a disaster, as nearly the entirety of Sanctus surrounded us on that boat, and demanded we left. Who knew, adventurers wandering around with weapons all over the city, and they cowered against us, like scared children, grouping up to defend one woman incapable of defending herself.
I am no innocent woman, I would have loved to spear her upon my lance right there, but the fact remains I did not.

And then there is Miyu, from my time in the Guard. Good times, doubtless, except for the festering wound that was always Miyu.
Miyu was convicted of killing one of our men, a new man just fresh to battle, a man believed to be related to her. In the end, a trial was held before the various groups, a trial the Sultana and her Ul’dah wanted no part of. Her pious defense, that she was not who she was, that some other being lived inside her. A foolish excuse, disgusting how anyone could believe her stupidity. But, she is a better liar than even I, and went free.
I would have loved to kill her too, in revenge for that poor boy who will never truly know life. But now, she is as insignificant as Alona.

He knows nothing. He does not know about my mother, my past, my home. Does not know of the many I have actually slid my blade in to, how much blood has gushed on to my bare hands, and stained them for other eyes to never see. Attempting is nothing, not against ones so worthless.
There is only one murder I committed behind Ul’dahn walls of any significance to myself… and yet even that target was more of a danger to Ul’dah than I. Yet he knows nothing of this, doubtless he would have thrown it in my face.

He spoke of my child as well, the dangers I bring to it, of birthing in a cell. He is truly the greatest fool I’ve seen, and I’ve seen many.
My children are the only reason I live, that I did not throw myself from that cliff, that I did not run home to be slaughtered, or to slaughter in return. Does he really think I would not retaliate against such a comment? Threaten them, in any way, and oh! He does not know how dangerous I will become.
He also spoke of Oskar as the father… that was a treat. As if Oskar will play any part. It is laughable.

Regardless, I must be careful. I either watch this man cautiously, or end him before he causes any significant trouble.
He cannot say I did not warn him.

4th Sun, 6th Umbral Moon, 1571

Undated

‘Care for your children, see to the future…’ This means I never get to be happy. He remains so selfless, me… selfish. I know he is right, but it hurts too badly inside to say… pain is all I feel now. Not a mothers joy, not a warriors pride… just the dull ache within me… in my belly where the child rests, in my heart where a woman aches…
Smiling is so hard. Why do it?
A laugh is fleeting… nauseating.
Flirt, seek, discover, destroy…
Kindness, such a front.
Fuck, freedom.
All of it, for one thing… to hide what is really inside.How I yearn to be free of my icy mask… only small, tiny fractures… brief lapses where I let my cover slide off. I cannot keep doing this, letting everything burst forth like a wave against a hull. Someone will catch me, see as he saw, and leave as they left.I thought it was him.
Now I realize… it is me.
It has always been me. Me, Deirdre… that is the problem.

There is no real fix to that problem, nothing I can do to undo everything that has been done. I am broken, I know this… they do not want to believe it.

I should have killed mysel-

(The rest stops abruptly, ink trailing off to the side.)

(Undated)

26th Sun, 6th Astral Moon, 1571

Relief, deep and seeded within what seems like a hollow form. How it feels so good, so relaxing, warm… anguishing.
It does not last, my temporary drug. Too much of a risk to find something more potent.
I did not dream, and thankful for such. Rest came easily, heavily… so very thankful for such…
I found no threat for once… I should be more careful.

They have not come after me, but they will. I know too much now.

A bath in the sea calms the child tumbling. I need to remember this, such a ritual may ease the stress on my body.
Nothing else to write, I must train…

26th Sun, 6th Astral Moon, 1571

20th Sun, 6th Astral Moon, 1571

Suspended.

Mid-air, in my dreams. In my thoughts even, as I train or work or care for my boys. All I think about is hanging limp, lifeless, suspended by nothing and yet bound by everything.

This was not my idea of freedom, but what should I expect?
Not like I deserved any of it.

I thought untangling the strings was the answer, thought it would have meaning if I found each one a reason, purpose. But this only served to bind my hands, wind about my limbs and restrict, and before I knew it I was captured by the chaos.
I cast them to the fire now, forgotten, disposed. They can not say I did not try. I am just not who they think I am, and unfortunate reality.

Training has become difficult, I am feeling the strain more and more on my form, but I will not say this to any of them, but I would be foolish to think they could not see it. I want to birth this child, soon, I am tired of collapsing from exhaustion… losing sparring matches I should have easily won. People look at me now and see vulnerability, not like the false display of my norm, but true vulnerability that I never wanted anyone to see. The longer I carry this little one in my belly, the easier it will be for someone to peer within.
I can not allow this.
‘Please little one’, I whisper to him at night, ‘please emerge to the world so I might better protect you, protect myself…’
Weaving small magic ebbs the sickness most times, ebbs the pain usually present. Starring at the icy air flowing between my hands brings me a small comfort, and small comforts are hard to come by.

My dreams are a scatter. Memories, feelings, hopes and desires even horrors. They bleed in to each other like awful nightmares, and it is hard to sleep as it is without the catastrophe in my head. I pray to the Twelve for a quiet night, which only ever comes after the comforts of a man. I need something soon, to take the edge off, training and bloodshed is not satisfying my urge anymore.

It is almost over… hold on…

20th Sun, 6th Astral Moon, 1571

(Written just below, as if added afterwards.)

Falke…

Undated

When I was planning to leave, I actually had no intention on returning. Running, yes, they all called it that. I was running from my past, my present, reality.
Finality.
The only thing that stopped me was him. Oskar, of all people, the one I was running from. He refused to let me take the boys. We argued, for so long, I do not remember the words now. I relented, he must have been right. I did not take them, thus I needed to return. So I resigned, I would leave, find the thing I was desperately missing, and return either for my children or to stay… or die. A part of my affection died for him that eve.

The first night was fresh. The air was cool, the ride easy. My companion, a hired sword by the name of Ildorath Ver’honu, a Highlander of no particular placing, was as I expected him to be.
Too many questions, not enough answers. Most of the trip I remained silent. I had not chosen him because I felt my life was at risk on these trails, no, I am more than capable of taking care of myself. Why, then?
Because I knew he would come seeking my bed, and I did not care anymore.

Fat, pregnant, so very round with child and I still ended up being appealing. Why are men so terrible? Their minds are foul things, yet us women allow such things- I allow such things. Why have one? Men do not take just one. I shall be with who I desire. I live in this free world, as much as the rest of them.
So, I welcomed him. At first it was nice… how long had it been since I lay with another man? Too long. He reminded me of Shurin. How we would camp under the stars… dream fleeting dreams of wild trails, of adventure.
Too many times I looks up in to the sky, and wondered if he was looking up in to it too, and thinking of me.

I’ve tried to let him go. Honestly, I have. I realized, I cannot. No more than I can let my father go,no more than I can let Ban go, no more than I can let Cade go. Will he ever come back to me? Unlikely. But that flower will remain a bud, my heart will remain in my chest, and my mind with those stars. It is foolish to think I can change. Perhaps a fleck, a small chip… but no, I am who I am… and just as I told Shurin moons ago, they will all leave, every one of them, at one time or another.

During the nights I dreamt. I dreamt of my childhood, of running and laughing with wind in my hair chasing my brother through fields of grass. Of my youth, training harder than my body could handle, testing and pushing so very hard… of the nights with Shurin, of whispered promises… of our first meeting, battles… excuse day…
And then I wake up, every single time, crying so hard it hurt, realizing that everything was gone, that in the end I was left with only loneliness.

And that, is my reality.

I do not deserve the children the Twelve blessed me with. Not beautiful Crane, so strong and happy, a smile on his face I surely did not give him. Of quiet Cygnus, so attentive, so smart… of the boy inside my belly, whose fate is beyond my own. But if I leave them, I will be less than what little I am. How pathetic are the things I have to offer… how pathetic is life.

Battle, aether, grass, trees, sky, Garleans, rolling seas, winding trails, gusting wind, mindless chatter, deafening cries, the glare of the sun off metal, the reflection in a mirror, the feel of a bed, of a lovers lips, words whispered, hair unwinding, darkness sliding, chocobos rocking, leather gripping, weapon heavy, eyes seeing…
Always seeing… so far… so deep in to another gaze. Stop looking at me- no. What would I do if they stopped seeing me? Would it be better? Would it be worse?

I stopped counting the suns. I stopped trying to figure out where I was riding. I just rode. I rode and rode until my leather chaffed, until my bird begged for a break, until finally I could not push any more. Suns… and I ended up in the sea. I don’t remember the direction, but it stopped me cold, as if it could have been some unscalable wall. Denied me any further, hit me in the face with its salt breeze.
I sat at the edge of the water, waiting, glaring at it as if it were the enemy before me on a bloody battlefield. Analyze, predict the next move, react. I could not, you do not fight the sea.

I remembered asking Rhio if the sea gives us lives back, since it takes so many. She told me it does, the fish, and life below the water. It was not what I meant, but I do not think she realized I intended to kill myself, drown in a watery grave.
Shurin told me he came from the sea, washed up on a shore, so long ago. I suppose then, I wanted to go where he had come from. I was never meant for the sea.
But the sea, was my answer.

Turning back for home was harder than leaving, as expected, but I did it. I was too far west, I guess I had intended on going north. We were a couple suns from Gridania, through the mountains in Coerthas. This is where real danger came upon us, not just the dangers of my mind.

I assumed they surrounded us when the sun dipped in to the sea. They were quiet, but my hearing as it was, I would not have been any wiser. Half naked, laying in the tent and in slumber. The child had been tumbling, sleep came so difficult, but when it did I allowed it to consume me. I expected to be woken by the deep voice of the companion I had, and a hand to my shoulder. Instead, it was a stifled shout and a bag over my head.

Training surfaced, and I remained calm. I did not shout or struggle, cleared my head instead, listening as hard as I could. My hands were bound, the rope knotted twice, whoever had done it was not experienced, but the knife at my back told me they did not need to know how to shove the blade in to flesh.
Writing it all out seems difficult, as I did not see. Everything that happened around me was a feeling, unlike my own. My eyes are my strength, they robbed me of them immediately, either by luck, or skill.

Walking, the muffled shouts of my companion, behind me. The angry, guttural sounds from our captors, whom were not beastkin, to be sure. The cool air stung my bare legs, a clink of blades and armour, chocobos plodding against the soil, obviously flustered.
‘Please… please don’t hurt me… my baby…’ Twelve, I sounded so pathetic. Never in my cycles have I ever uttered such a thing, it nearly made me sick to say it.
‘Shut up wench!’ He yelled back, shoving me forward. Without my eyes my balance was half gone, and the wet soil on my bare feet only made it worse. I fell on to my belly, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. That pain shot through me, I screamed in true agony, I thought I was going to give birth right there.
Twelve blessed me though, and a lull of confusion rang over our captors. A moment was all I needed.

It must have been such a blur then, though in my mind I could see each perfect move. Ariciont would have been proud had he lived…
Roll on to my back, twist my legs under myself, launch up, head in to the belly of the man who pushed me. Swipe, he cut at my arm as he fell back, white hot pain, white hot energy, roll off him and managed to swing a leg around, tripping a nearby man I had not known was even there, knee on his arm, struggle with my wrists, scream as the blade plunged in to my thigh… but now I knew where it was. Both legs wrap around his arm, break it, snap that even my dulled ears heard. Screams of agony, shouts of confusion, something hitting the back of my head hard as I tilted back and searched for the blade. Blood in my mouth, sweet… sweet copper, eyes trying desperately to pierce the heavy cloth. Heavy hilt in my palm, finally, release of my hands, snapping the struggling mans neck, standing, hardly able… tearing the thick, stuffy bag off my head, azure strands streaming wildly behind me, eyes find a target, lunge, flip the blade, parry a fist with my arm, pain a fleeting memory, numbed with the pound of my heart. Red pours from his throat, he falls, a shadowed man fighting with his binds, three men near, chocobos struggling at their reins. I throw the dagger, bury it in to a mans back, immediately regret it, rush forward, I think I am screaming still, I punch someone, he grabs me, fighting, heavy breathing, punching, punching, punching, his face is so hard against my hand, my companion is free, he grabs another I think, I am not seeing him, I am still punching the dead man below me. The one with the dagger in his back is still stumbling forward, half-dead, not knowing why. He dies the quietest, the rest are too noisy. My ears are ringing, and I stand, stumble, move forward and fall to my knees, the rain is pouring hard now. I am alive again, still.
I look up in to the sky where the stars are crying, and I smile.

I am alive, how is this? With everything I’ve done, everything I’ve faced… Do I truly deserve it? Perhaps I earned it, or those men simply did not earn enough.
I limp now, afterwards. We bandaged up, left as soon as we could. I preferred to ride, the blade to my thigh causing me pain on foot. We did not risk camping in Coerthas again, nor when we breached the borders of Gridania. It is when we found a patrolled aetheryte when we decided to stop and rest, where I decided to write this now. We’ll be back in the city soon, back to face those I’ve left. I do not know what to expect… and I do not know the full extent of what I’ve resolved within myself.

I just hope it’s enough.

(Undated)

26th Sun, 5th Umbral Moon, 1571

Seems as if it’s all still tangled.

Threads knotted around each other, twisted among one another, close and yet so frustratingly difficult. This is our lives, The Twelves strings, games and playthings…
I tried so hard to untangle them. I did. I sat there and struggled, entangled my own hands, my own heart. No one knows what they really want anymore.

We are all sitting here, suffering, waiting for a war.

I know I like to flee, and that feeling is not gone. But there is too much insecurity, too much confusion. I want to leave, part with all this difficulty. I do not see it as giving up… but perhaps space is needed for things to sort themselves out. So it seems, I can not assist. I tried, spoke with my true heart…
This is not my home… things are not the same. Do any of them really even know what they want? Do I?

What I want;

-Love
-Laughs
-Happiness
-Family
-Comrades
-Trust
-Comfort
-Words
-Discussions
-Understanding
-Friends

Too much, so much… I want so much, do we really have none of this here? Are we falling apart so easily?
Forget the Guard, it is long dead. It seems everyone is trying to rebirth it. Why can we not be something different? Can we be a village? A tribe? Together, as a family? A leader is not someone with ultimate power. A leader should be the one with ultimate respect. Why can it not be like this?
It should be… but how can all these people, all with such strong words and weak backs. Someone must do something… something… anything.

I’ve a hired sword, my own employ… I’ll travel with him a while. Breath another air, move away from this city, from these people. Run around without a leash, as if Eorzea was my play-yard.
Oskar will be mad, Rhio as well. They want me to trust them, trust them to be able to say when I need to leave, to perhaps take them with me. Do they really trust me to do this? I know they will not. There will be anger… hate… but will they see beyond it? I have to hope.
I cannot be here, I’ve tried too hard already.

So yes, perhaps I am running. Perhaps I need to. Perhaps we all need to run…
Gather our minds… gather our lives.
It’s time to decide what move to make next.

26th Sun, 5th Umbral Moon, 1571

1st Sun, 5th Umbral Moon, 1571

Why do I have to defend parts of myself from you? I should know by now this is useless. This world, this Eorzea, has turned me in to something else. I don’t want to be what I am, I want to go back to the suns where things were simple… where I could run through the forests with my hair loose about my cheeks, laugh and giggle… free. Where I could pick fruits, skip down the cobbled roads… and climb on to my brothers back.

And now I am part of what took that from me. Nothing is more ironic than my choice for death, and the life which I now live.

You asked me if I loved him. He has a part of me I don’t think you’ll ever have…
Shurin…
I close my eyes, and see him fading… fading… with each passing sun.
I have to write it, I have to face it.
That silver crop of mussed hair, grey eyes as sad as a looming storm, tears that never fell like rain awaiting release. Shoulders I used to rest my head against, strong enough for thick armour, stronger still for so much untold burden. Hands… hard and deadly. I remember how he used to grip his spear, how the leather moved against him. Hands… gentle and comforting. I remember how he used to touch my cheek, how our skin moved against one another.
A small, fleeting smile that never seemed to stay.

I do love him, and a part of me always will. I can not lie of this, I just wish it did not hurt so much.

I also care deeply for you.
You protect me now, fight my stubbornness with equal and push me to see the reality, when you know I am just closing my eyes. I want to be part of your life, your tradition, but I cannot do that to lose the freedom I so ache for.
Jet black hair stained blonde, flesh dark and marred as stone, each slice of skin screaming a story, of pain and strength, of life so lived. I know so little of you, yet you demand so much of me. I do not know how to express as you demand, I do not know how to reciprocate…
You will realize this one day, or perhaps you already know. I feel like a child against you, so small and weak that I have to fight to keep calm.

And when I look back, over my shoulder, it is as if all is the same. I was but a child, supposed to be a woman.

I don’t often tell people of that night. It was after my coming of age ceremony, my examination and accounted worth. It was so odd to see him in the winter, but he had stayed while the rest of his people returned to the worn path, lightly brushed with snow. A girl of eleven… the price of my dowry much lower than my parents expectations.
I was thin, short for my kin, hardly with a hand of breast enough so I looked like a boy. The old woman who parted my legs to ensure I had not been a whore spoke in low tones to another, but I could hear them… I was no fool.
I would not bear. I did not have the body, and my mother had much difficulty with sons. I was worthless.
Except… Cade didn’t look at me like I was worthless.

That night I cried in his arms in the middle of the forest, snuck out from my window. When I would normally run to Ban I ran to him… he had been sleeping in the stables for there was no room in the house. Snow fell around us, light and soundless against the ground, the cold stinging my cheeks as hot tears rolled, the Highlander wrapping furs around me to keep the chill off my frame, clad only in that thin cotton nightgown.
He kissed my cheek to stop the tears, whispered such delicate words… ran hands through my hair, held me close… and kissed my lips.
He was twenty-five that cycle… the man that took my innocence. I never felt so wanted in all my time, the pain of youth seeming so bright, this love seeming so tender.

Cade Alun, skin beaten and rough, practically the size of a mountain, muscle thick and corded, smile weathered by the sun. His image in my mind is nearly gone, I do not remember how he felt against my skin anymore. I remember though, how small my hand seemed in his, how he softly whispered in my ear comforts for my pain, encouragement…
It pains me to this Shurin, perhaps even Oskar… will fade like Cade did. Memories are too easily clouded… and no matter how hard you fight, they will fade.

And so when I open my eyes from these thoughts, I realize it is me fading from others as well. Eva, we have not spoke in so long. With her wisdom, her hurt… the quiet determination behind her pale skin, alike the silk she weaves so easily.

Even Rhio…
His life or hers, the decision makes me tear inside. She sees this, I know. I have to push it all aside, the affections I have for this woman, someone who cares for me so deeply… I need people like this, I will not let her go like I did Cygnus. I will not sit back and comply, I can not.
I will do what I must.

Twelve guide me through this.

1st Sun, 5th Umbral Moon, 1571

Undated

I am standing in a stream.

It seems like a silly place to be as I can not swim.
I am here because I wish to be.
The cool water flows between my warm thighs, the sound drowns in my ears.

There is comfort in this being alone.

Between my legs the cool water seems to ebb, warmer and warmer…
I look down, and it is not crystal colours I see.
Red stains of blood streak and flow don the current, a hand brushes my exposed leg as the body drifts past me.
More bodies slowly drift by… this is no normal river.

I look behind, and see the dead being tossed in, one at a time, two men on a ridge.
Splash.
One wipes his brow, yells at the other.
Splash.
They wear red, dark colours I recognize…
Splash.
A child floats past me, but I am calm.

I feel compelled… I lay back in the water.
Blood water shifts against my cheeks, stains them, my hair comes undone to tangle with limbs.
I float now, by the dead, down the stream.
My ears are hollow now, as if I were deaf.
Like in a cave, a long endless cave…

Then the dream is gone, and I can not breathe.
A hand at my neck holds me under, I thrash.
No matter how much I struggle… I can not reach my assaulter.
No matter how much I try, I can not breathe underwater.
No matter how much I wish… I can not see his face… I’ve no sight under the blood-stained river.

Then… there is an odd moment of acceptance. I stop moving, laying still, limp…
I give up, I know I am going to die.
I close my eyes-

(Undated)

23rd Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1571

You’ve ruined me… by giving me everything.

A home, a life… a warm and safe bed at night. A family… love, even. All these things, things that can not be bought, but can be taken for such granted. I used to often think I was displaced, not properly clasped and tightened like loose armour.

I used to pack my bag, stare at it for ticks and unpacking it, before you came home.
I used to start arguments with you, even though I hardly cared what we shouted about.
I used to wake up and roll over, expecting to see a glowing silver head, lifting the covers to check.
I used to plan, even imagine killing you.

When did all of this become so tangled? Like we purposely jumbled those woven strings… now I sit here trying to untangle it, make sense of it all.
I have to change things, I’m good at that. I’ll do it, become the reliable one.

Trust, I have to give and receive. Let go… of some of my past.

Eva, you are still a sister to me.
Rhio, it’s time I told you what (The bold is written in Garlean) partner means.
Shurin, I hope you know if you ever need me I will always have open arms, for any purpose.
Cygnus, I’ve not abandoned for you, mommy’s coming soon.
Crane, you’ll never want for a thing, you’ll be stronger than all of us.
Oskar, never let me go, I’m going to need a place to hide.

I am good at manipulating people.
It is time to stop that.
It is time to manipulate the world.
Not for myself.
For them.

For all that is to come, I am prepared.

23rd Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1571

19th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1571

Of all things… a chocobo. Twelve, they were so beautiful, such a prize for us to have been able to ride, even for a few moments. I could have hopped on the back of that bird, and rode off… towards where the sun dips in to the sea…

But I could not. Could not even get on the thing. The last time I had ridden was in our village… too many memories came flooding back. I could hardly move as the others shouted and cheered.
I was sick to my stomach.

When I gave the bird back I all but ran to join the others. I do not think they saw the flush on my cheeks or the sadness in my eyes. At least, no one mentioned.

I have to occupy myself. I will schedule training… I have to pull myself out of the past…

Move forward, move forward, move forward, move forward…

19th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1571

17th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1571

I find myself dreaming of late. I sleep, too often… curbed my training routine, and I do not think anyone has noticed. I’ve gained weight, stopped eating.
My mind wanders, all too often. Even sitting now to write down my thoughts… it is messy. My mind is chaotic. I nearly killed that dark-skinned girl last eve.

I find myself dreaming of late- no, I wrote that already… my dreams though are not make-believe. They are memories. Not many people have memories of a time when there is peace, of a time when fighting was for small children, and a single death rattled us to the very core.

I can still feel the chill on my skin, the fall air warning us how close the long winter was. The sky was always the most perfect colour of blue at that time… the air still, more fragile than a sheet of ice.
The children would always take to this one cliff near the beaten paths. There was no snow yet, and they were still visible, but hardly traveled. The time would be soon where we kept inside our village, it was a dangerous trek, during the snows.
As children we waited. We knew the last bit of excitement before our inevitable confinement would be what came down that path. It was always an anxious time, and I still feel that, in preparation for the change in season.

The day they did come, you knew right away. It was the air, something about it, the complete tension, you couldn’t move if you wanted to… but every child gathered there would stand, just before the first chocobo broke the tree line.

It is a magnificent feeling, completely overwhelming. Cries, shouts of joy, children running down the path towards the emerging caravan. It was the same every cycle, since my fathers father. The smiles on the faces of those Highlanders… men and women… it was a surprise our two worlds were not merged, a surprise out little Elezen village was not their home.

Their home, was the sea.

I was eleven cycles at this time, long thin limbs hardly fleshed out, like a thin tree among thick oaks. I wore my hair free then, long and curled flying behind me as I broke the line of traders, past the first hulking men, chocobos pulling carts, searching each tanned face. Then he was there, among the crowd atop a bare chocobo, no finery nor a blanket, just twined reigns likely made with his own hands. Our gaze met as I pushed my way through, a thick hand reaching out for my own, pulling me up on to the chocobo, in his lap, above the rest.
Twelve… I remember him so vividly.

Square face, hard but neatly shaved. His hair had grown out since I last had saw him, pulled haphazardly back, fraying loose around his cheeks, brown like the bark of a healthy tree. Leathers and straps, half his chest bare, furs pulled over his wide… wide shoulders. Silver chunks of metal clinked in the middle of his chest with each step of the bird, hung with twine. He had once told me they were pieces of armour, shattered by something he would not explain. He told me he kept them, because one day he would have his own suit of armour, forged just for him.

I did not understand men then, did not know what that meant, I always assumed things would be the same as they ever were. But I was getting older, and beyond our village, things were changing.
“What did you bring me?!” I chimed in such perfect tongue. The cycle before I learnt to speak like a lady, not a farmhand. His thin lips smiled at me, producing a small necklace from his leather bag, slipping it over my head with one hand. I took it, blue eyes scanning over the stone that hung from it, the same blue as my eyes. “It is pretty Cade!”
“It reminded me of you. It’s the dead of winter during your nameday, and I’m at sea, so consider it a gift.”

I no longer have this necklace… but I remembered how I used to treasure it.
All the way back to town Cade let me hold the reigns, sitting in his lap guiding the bird through the crowd. I did not know as a girl that he guided the beast with his knees, silently filling me with pride at my apparent uncanny ability to ride.

There was always a feast for the traders when they arrived to stay the eve and rest, trade in our village. But, I did not dream of it. My mind moved forward, to much later that night when I was supposed to be in bed, standing outside of my parents room dressed only in my nightgown, that heavy necklace too big for me clutched in my tiny hands.
There was yelling, but I was used to it. My parents seemed to get angrier the older I got… they fought much more in those last years.

“He asked for her?!” Mother shrieked. I always imagined my father trying to calm her, but now that I am older, I think he mostly just starred out the window, giving up on soothing her broken soul.
“He offered ah proper gift in exchange, and yeh know they’d be happy.” he replied, only receiving a soft thud as my mother stomped the wooden floor.
“You know what happens then! No Highlander remains here! They will take her, just as any child birthed of their blood by our kin! For what? Chocobos?!”
“Raien! There are options! We’ll see ‘er twice a cycle feh sure, more if she stays with us as they take advantage of the summer!”
“NO! If I’m stuck here, so is she! I will-”

Then I wake. Alone, in a bed not near my birth-place.

Back then, I did not know why my parent argued that night. Now, I realize Cade, and his father, made an offer for my hand. Had the deal been accepted… I would never have trained, never have fought or killed. I would have been happy at home in the arms of my father, mother and brother.

Just another reason to be happy I killed my mother that night.

17th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1571

14th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1571

I have not meditated since that night… the night I woke up in the Fane.
The night my meditations began to breathe…
The night where everything fell apart.

His voice snapped me back in to it so easily, and I only seem to remember him telling me to shut my eyes.

Fingers run across my skin, I hold on to the feeling of them… the hard, rough texture finding no catch against the silk it slid upon. My cheeks first, flush, I know they are.
My skin is burning.
Down my neck, slowly, like the trickle of water. It feels so nice… but I want them to lower quicker.

I feel a need deep within, that fire fuelling…

I can not see who it is, as those hands reach my shoulders, rubbing them lightly with thumbs.
It is better not to see, not to look… I must just focus on the feel. But my hands can not be curbed, I reach up to touch his face.

Stubbled, as rough as his fingers, strands of hair flirting against thin fingers… fingertips find his lips.
They are warm as he breathes, unspeaking… unmoving.

There is breathing all around me, as if he has me whole… as if there is nothing else.
My breath, his…

He nips at my fingers and I yank them back, still blink with the darkness. I smile, but I do not know if he can see as well.
Has he ever seen me smile?

The warmth inside of me grows, as it never does. The cold ebbs backward, with him there so close.
It will burn me up… but I, almost want it to.

His hands take mine. They are warm as well, but he was always much warmer than I…

Then, it is not only us. Chaos, thoughts screaming in my head. The sound of wind, the feel of moss something hollow…
The flame ebbs inside, I am losing it among these many things!

He holds me, big arms wrapped tight around my small form, pressing our bodies together, heats shared, trying to blot the chaos around out. I press my hands to his chest, they rise and fall as he breathes…

He speaks, I remember.
His voice… I remember…
His words are lost, unimportant.

I inhale his scent… quiver…

And then snap awake.

14th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1571

12th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1571

Change can not begin to describe it.

The Guard is no more, a surprise to myself. I have not spoken with or seen the Commander, I do not know why. Oskar told me of the posting, I’ve yet to go see it myself. Perhaps it is my past rising up to the surface of the water, move forward and continue, no sense to dawn upon it.

The Guard dies, the Everwatch is born. Just move forward…

I want to kill something. I’ve not trained in so long, not fought for my life every other tick… trapped in this house. The next I do go out, it will be a bloodbath. I have to, or I’ll be worthless.

My mind is unstable, I’ve found. Blackness- no, redness. Like fury, overtaking everything in my head. Calm one moment, smiling even… why do I snap so quickly?
More frequently I think about stabbing Oskar… such a bad sign.

What do I even want?!
I need to make up my damned mind. I sent that stupid letter without thinking, I should have kept it.
Too many letters sent now, I don’t know what they will bring. Twelve, I don’t know anything.

Too much conflict, I don’t want to write about it.

(The bold is written in Garlean.)

I think I’m going crazy.

12th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1571

1st Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1571

How things change so quickly… I have resigned my position as Captain as a result of the Council held suns ago.
A new moon… I walk through the streets and people speak of change. New moons bring about such things, ‘change’… but change and I are not friends, we do not invite each other in to our homes. Change for me is a stubborn thing… something I never really had. It was always move, flow and ebb with the suns. Continue forward, keep marching… should that be the way it is now?

I find myself at a crossroads. Literally and figuratively. I sit in the streets of Ul’dah now, a path to my left and one at my right, one even before me. Do I wish to leave the city? A gate is before me. Should I wander to the Guard office? At my right. Or the Adventurers Guild? To my left…

Return home…
Remain with the Guard…
Neither…?

There is so much to think of, nothing is simple anymore.

Oskar… I feel deeper affection to him each passing sun. When did I lose so much control? When did I begin relying on him… or have I always done so? I would run to him, looking for a fight, looking for release and as I screamed and hit and struggled… he was always there.
Twelve… could I go to bed without him at night? He makes me so weak, and I keep trying to cover it up.

Then there’s him… one I have not thought about in suns. Shurin… I wonder how he is now, where he is now. I’ve lost him forever… lost what we were. It still hurts seeing his name written down, thinking about him. I have to stop because I just… cannot.

Eva… Twelve she’s been such a blessing. I wish she were my kin, for I feel closer to her than the fading bonds of my past… of my village and my own race. I wish I knew her better, wish I could be better myself for her. I’ve always been able to share my burdens with her, and she has been to kind to listen, to comfort… have I ever done the same for her? How cruel am I that I do not think of a woman who has become like my sister. I cannot allow that, I must make sure this woman I care for comes to no harm.

There is a woman I miss. Rhio… since that night I told Oskar what she did, and he confronted her… it’s like nothing has been the same. I do mot want her held at a distance, I know her feelings are of no harm… and I know I need her as a friend. I’ve been out of touch… hidden since my decision. I have to find her, beg her to forgive me… I miss her…
I’ve made both her and Oskar presents… I hope they like them…

I trained with Shien last sun, wore me down like never before but I expected as much out of the aetherial training. I am horrible at it, it makes my legs in to glue and my vision blur… I am no good at it and it was an unfortunate display for the recruit. She has grown strong, and under the guidance of Oskar I am not surprised. With such drive… I know she will go far.
She said she ‘needs’ me… when she found out… do they really, or have I coddled them too much? I know not how to take such a statement… have I failed?

Missing recruits, training, events, reports… let the Commander deal with it now. I just hope those recruits know I am still here for them… no matter my decision.

Left…
Right…
Forward…

And then I tilt my head back and look up, and again wonder…

If I could go up… how tall would the sky be?

1st Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1571

28th Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

They say I will keep the child.

I suppose that is all that really matters. Not who or why… but that I am fortunate enough I was rescued in time to save the baby.
Poison… should I really be so surprised? I am no fool, I can narrow down the culprit of the act, I know my last moves as no one else does. Am I changing so much…? Moons ago, I would have marched over there myself and slit his throat.
I am soft now… I have noticed… and it is his fault.

As I lay in my bed among the healers of the Fane I dreamt oddly. I stood in front of the mirror, the one in our bedroom, naked. Slowly, piece by piece, I slid on blackened armour, darker than night… only marred by the red trim so close in colour to blood.
I did not even bother to stop myself, and as I latched the last buckle I starred at the reflection in front of me, and she starred back… reminding me of what I was no- what I am.

Twelve, I do not want to betray them. I fear such even now as I write in Eorzean… even if it is much less comforting than my homeland scrawl…

Captain’s Council today… I must go. I must rest and gather my strength to be able to walk. I am not weak, I am Captain Deirdre Ta’ea, Eorzean Guard First Division!

Oskar sleeps at my side, Crane coddled to his chest. Perhaps I will need to feed off his own strength… perhaps he will make me feel stronger rather than weaker. All I can say now is looking at him… he looks like the true father to my child. (A sentence is furiously blotted out after this.) STOP THINKING OF HIM!

Enough… I must rest.

28th Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

21st Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

Funny, the way this world works. This place, Eorzea, I’ve lost so much to it already. Who am I here? Why? Everything is wrong, I find myself broken and confused, lost in a maze but I am so deep already that no one can hear me if I shout.

I am covered in scars, and none of them will go away.

Shurin is gone, I will likely never see or hear from him again. He has his own duty, and it was more important than I. I wonder, if we had not met nearly a cycle ago, would my life be so different?
I do not want to dwell on thoughts of him… perhaps they will just rot with the rest of those that were dear to me in the past.

I will never see his back again…

The Guard is a mess. What can I say of such things? Opinions, Command, in-fighting all kept behind doors shut tight, punishments given when undeserved, and none given when such should be had by tenfold. Yet, I remain for my recruits… those men and women who trust me and look up to me. I wish not to steer them wrong, but there is only so much I can do.

I know not how long I will last here… there is only one thing keeping me sane…

Oskar. Captain- No. Oskar…
Thinking back merely moons… we would fight until both of us bled, until neither of us could lift our weapons. We hated each other so much, would spit vile words from out mouths…
This is not the same pain Shurin brought me, the loneliness and fear, worry and sadness. No… this is warmth… soft words and whispers, guided touches, smiles and laughter. This is longing when he is gone and relief when he is there.
Perhaps one sun he will hold a knife over me, slide his sword right through my belly… and by his right. But until then I will lay among sheets, at his side comforted by his touch, entranced by his voice. I’ll allow myself this, because I know once he finds out, my dream will be over and I’ll not be long for the world.

At least… it is more comfort than Shurin gave me. At least, I can be happy like the rest of them for a little while.

War is coming, there is nothing stopping it.

We rescued a woman today, among Imperial prisoners. A fighter from an Ala Mhigan militia, or some sort. She looked at me- No… not me. She looked at her, who I used to be. Either she knew who I was, or knew what I was…
She knew, said nothing but…

I must learn more of the clan-lands. This place, these people… can I keep running forever? Eventually, I’ll have to face what I am and get over the wonders I feel hearing stories of truth-knowing stones and lords fighting over ladies. I am not a child anymore.

Twelve help me… I- (the ink is smeared over the last few words as if a finger was dragged over it, purposefully.)

21st Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

Undated

I am broken, and this scar is never going away.

(Undated)