Looking back at my last few entries I’ve realized I really have no idea what happened in those suns… it seems like raw yet… fumbled emotion upon a page. I know I am unhappy within but really I had meant this to be an account of suns, had I not? Not this… regurgitation of a feeble mind.
In any case, I’ve no idea where to start once more. I guess I will begin with a few events over the last moon.
My recruits have been doing well so far, a few of them exceeding my expectations. They seem to just file in, and I am worried I will not be able to build them all to standards. I do hope the Commander sees the work I am doing… I would like to have a different role within the ranks. It is not just for the advancement that I will try my hardest, but for the sake of those men and women under my charge. I want them to be responsible, respectful… strong… they are good people. Honestly, I may not say it to them, but I am proud of every single one of them.
Dreke… is capable of so much. I know of his abilities, he is my kin… but he is so easily distracted. It is good to dream, but one day he may get someone killed, or himself, because of it. He is kind, so much out for another than himself, but I can say whatever I would like and I still know he would be lost. I do not know what to do for him.
Eva though, on the other side of the gil-piece, is quite wonderful. I see a lot of myself in her, she has been through much but she is humble, yet powerful. I could never see her stray, she seems so solid. I do hope I can do everything in my power to help her with her own demons. I am learning trust, learning not to hide… these recruits are teaching me more than I teach them.
Gunther, Remy, Eital, Ariciont… all of them will be fine warriors. And if anyone, ANYONE messes with them… I will unleash my fury.
I’ve spent much of my mornings with the Fane as of late. After the incident with Shurin and the release of my aether, I needed a way to control it. It helps, even if my body does feel odd. They are showing me different ways to channel my energy, but all of this aether swirling about exhausts me…
Too often I try to meditate as they suggested… and see my hands around Shurin’s neck, squeezing the life from him. Never, never again will I harm that man in any way.
Shurin… I miss him. Too much, Twelve know I hardly stop thinking of him. I feel a definite sadness away from him, and I hardly ever seem him these suns…
But I can’t say come back.
I can’t say I miss you.
How can I say ‘I love you’?
I keep hoping one day, I’ll be enough for him, enough to take all that pain of his away. But now, I hurt. He keeps letting go, keeps moving away. He conflicts me; should I back away and let him forget? Will he forget me? I find it so hard to let these things that remind me of him go. Falcon’s Nest… where we would hide… an extra training lance left in the closet… a piece of broken armour… I’ve still a shirt of his I hide away…
It hardly smells of him anymore…
Enough, enough of that. I’ll write instead of Myllor. That fool, that arrogant prick. What does he do? He’s such a terrible leader, the Commander should be ashamed! What has he ever DONE for the Guard?! Irresponsible fool! Curse him… the way he spoke to me, in front of the Commander, was disgusting. Something I would hear back home, but this is not home, or I would have beaten the pulp out of my recruits. He’s a lazy boy playing soldier, how the Commander can stand it is beyond me. He will have none of my respect. None.
Elriche has shown more attention to me as of late as well. Enough so I thought Oskar was going to beat him senseless a few times. Elriche is a kind man, but he is young-minded for his cycles. I have no doubt he will be rounded, and he will find a woman for himself one sun, but until then I best not encourage him. While he is quite beautiful, he is too soft for someone like me.
Speaking of Oskar though… he has begun actively pursuing me. We’ve… a connection, undoubtedly… but I am still frightened, unsure. He is not Shurin, not Cade, not my father and definatly not my brother… but he treats me with kindness, love even. Can I keep floating forever with him? I cannot see the future… cannot predict what lay ahead. I feel sorry for Alothia. I heard of their troubles only after they parted, or I would have done all I could to stop it. That woman is so kind, I hope it was not me to push a divide between them… I should speak with her.
Corvus has been quiet lately… it makes me nervous. I’ve been so busy… is there perhaps something going on I do not know about? Best to stay clear really, I do not trust that Miyu no matter what the Commander says…
But Sanctus… well, I’m glad I got out of there when I did. That place is full of… fools. Full of unguided dogs, rabid even. With Alona at the head, I am not surprised things ran so far out of scope. Disrespectful, ignorant… too many terrible words for those people. I will not associate with them any longer, hardly need to mix myself up in those problems.
Other news, I’ve been receiving more letters of late. Seems things are moving, I wonder if I will get a visit? It would be nice to know what is going on outside instead of being so submerged.
Crane is walking on his own now, gets in to everything. Oskar bought clay for him, he seemed to like the way it felt between his fingers. The crafts were so fun… I love spending time with him, and I wish I could do so more. He will be a full cycle soon! I should throw a little party.
So many new recruits, a Highlander even… should be an interesting few suns! Well, enough of this writing, too much is going on around me, I best get ready for training.
19th Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571