16th Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

Darkness.

My skin tingles and drips, I can feel the sweat dribble down my spine, usually a small pleasure now a tiny warning. I step forward further in to the darkness but I can not see where I am going. I do not want to go forward, my body is screaming no. I crave the cold comfort of home, this burning heat is like-

Then the door opens and I am charging forward, sure steps inside.

The room is white, I think. Is it important?
Something in the middle of it, a ball of burning blue.
This is the heat, it is so hot I think it could end my life… and it comes closer.

The ball moves closer, as if it belonged with me, inside of me… and I am ashamed of it.

It is curious.
Mischievous.
I am delirious…

A man now stands before me, a forest which name I can not remember. Raven hair slides along his cheeks, features strong, he has grown.
Cygnus… with eyes so red like the release of fire.

I turn and walk away, but I do not make it far. I can not move, for behind me I try to drag a corpse, heavier than a sack of stones. And when I blink the sweat from my eyes, I’m naked in a battlefield and the sky is on fire.

No one comes. No one.
I am alone once more.
I do not want to…
Be alone…

I hear words now but I am lost. Standing among the corpses of the dead I look around for something missing.

Walls?!
Keys?!

Suddenly I am watching my own memories, so young in that thin summer dress, cornered by a man thrice my age. He has my chin in his hand, I remember his breath stunk of ale.
‘I’ll give it to you if you’re good, little one.’
‘Please… take me there. I need to go there.’
‘I promise to help… but you have to help me first.’

No!

Twelve! It is too hot!
I shake my head, I must be hallucinating. I do not want to watch this.

Stop!

I run at him, attempt to pry him off the younger illusion of myself, but they are gone now and I run to the edge of a cliff. Stopping I glance down at the crashing waves below me as they roar, hungry for my wet flesh. Behind, a wall of flame ready to consume and burn me, insisting I scream.

I gladly throw myself to the waves.

16th Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

14th Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

I wonder if he knows how much I hate him.

How I want to kick him, scream at him until my lungs burn, fight and punch at him until I collapse to the floor, and even then I will not submit. I will thrash and resist until I die, until it is ended and I am bleeding out on the ground. I feel like I already am.

He has killed me inside, and now I am simply rotting.

Will I live like this forever, lying to myself? Telling myself everything will be alright? Will it ever be alright?

Some suns I wish I was dead, and then I look in to those round blue eyes of my child and wonder what would become of him if I left. Would he pad around the house looking for his mother as well?
So much sorrow swells within me, and these last few suns I almost let it escape.
I have to keep it inside even if it makes me want to vomit.

I’ve gotten so good at acting. I thought I loved, but it must be an act… I thought I was a friend… but I must be fooling myself there too. Am I just pretending to be a mother then too? Was I ever anything but a soldier?

I want to be stuck back in my meditation. I spoke to a man in the Phrontistery and found some good herbs that were said to induce such a meditation. I will try them tonight… I have to see him, I have to free him.

If I do not return, tell my sons I love them.

14th Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

8th Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

I am in a hall. This hall is empty, lined with boards. At the end is a window, a soft glow outside.
I walk to the window, kneel at the sill, and peer outside. I remember this, I remember starring out. But now I am starring at nothing but a soft glow.
I want to see what is outside, so I open the window and climb through.

Then I am in the middle of my village. It is dark, ash hangs in the air as if frozen. All is still, no wind, no sound. Silence.
Someone says it is safe. Is it?
I sit among the ash in the middle of what once was my home, fires and embers still glow but there is no flicker, only still.

Then someone approaches, I can not hear but I know.
I turn my head… it is my father.
He is young still, clothes torn and wounded, pale as death. He holds a small bundle which could have been anything, but I knew what it was. It was what I seek, my son. In those strong arms that used to hold me, he held his grandson. Or… was it the child inside of me?

I could not move from where I was sitting, everything was so still and frozen, but not cold.
“Can I come home, daddy?” I ask. He does not reply, only still.
Something in my head says he should answer, it keeps talking, I am confused.
Panic!
I look around, something else should be there.
Where is it?
Father? Mother- no!
WHERE IS IT?!
In front of me.

Him.
Black cloak.
Wide shoulders.
A peek of silver hair.
Strings hang off of him.
Does something control him?

He moves forward to me now.
Touching my cheek softly.
Pushing me back now.
On top of me firm.
Touching me.
Kissing…

Something yanks him back, no.
I grab him, no!
No!
The child cries, I can hear him, but I don’t want this warmth to leave.
I hold on with all my might, it makes my head hurt.
My heart pounds, my breathing increases.

I pause, hold my breath… and he leaves.
He always leaves…

And I wake to find myself in a cave. Mediation, it scares me. How could all of that be a product of my mind? It felt so real… felt so right. I want to go back to that place, lay in the ash under him.
Is this good? Bad…? What does he mean by warmth?
All of this is so confusing… I feel like crying but can not in front of my recruits, sitting there so near me.

8th Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

7th Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

Events around here are always swirling, not focused or streamline, but like a toppled bucket of water, spreading all over the floor in every direction.

This batch of recruits will be harder than the last. Not only have they doubled in number, but their attitudes make me furious. Untrained, undisciplined… so unfortunately terrible, and they must admit it. For then to change they must identify flaw and purge it. I cannot be there every bell, they must have will of their own. I must try my best not to overreact and beat them to a bloody pulp.
But, I have been promoted to Captain of the First. I will do my best to make the Commander proud.

Rhio spoke to me last sun, told me her feelings, and all I could do while she spoke was hide my sadness. Why does this happen? One falls in love with another, emotions stir… the same as men from my past, so many wounded hearts. I am not the woman I once was before, dancing upon tables, flaunting bare skin, seeking attentions of any high-ranked officer. If I was, I would have gone home with Rhio that night, even if she is merely a recruit. She reminds me of that guard I slept with, the father of my children.
Not only our emotions in this, though. Oskar as well… with Almaz breaking his heart… I told Rhio of this to try and make her understand. She looked sad, but did not cry… I have faith she will be alright.

Pepper… I had been hearing of her troubles for the past few suns. I understand her, she was as I used to be in a way. But, I must be hard, make her stronger, because I do not want to lose her, or any of my recruits. I allowed myself to trust her, and hopefully this makes her stronger knowing how weak I truly am.

I am gaining friends, and it feels odd but so… safe.

Oskar… I think he finally realized what is happening with me. My pregnancy is just now showing, the tiny bump in my stomach against toned muscle, he said he could hear a heartbeat. This is real, this is happening… does he not see how scared I am? Crane is a single cycle, Cygnus is still lost and I’ve the audacity to think I am allowed another- (A small scribble as if she was trying to decide what to write before breaking off.)

I sent Shurin his second letter. I am not surprised there is no reply, no sign of him. Let the Twelve guide him.

… let the Twelve guide us all.

7th Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

2nd Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

Last eve’s events… bruised me in ways I can not show to the others…

When I betray them… will they be strong enough? I have to train them, push them harder, forge them in to warriors. When that time comes, when my duty is needed… they have to be strong enough to end my life.

Oskar fell in to the role. Will he look at me like that, with sadness and betrayal? Bid me goodbye? Fall in to oblivion when I level that gun to his head? I do not think I could kill him. I do not think I could kill the Commander either… any of them really. When did I grow so soft? When did I melt enough to hold Rhio in my arms and whisper to her like I would my children? Twelve damned… I’ve been opened up, that wound will not close, scar or be erased.

Despite their failure, I am so proud of them. Why? They did not impress me, they did not overwhelm… is it because they trust me? Look up to me? They should not, I am a soldier of the Garlean Empire… can I do any good here? What is it all about anymore?

Life?
Safety?
Honour?
…love?

I wrote a will today. Outlined all of it, the meager amount I have. When I wrote it all I suddenly realized how much I do not have. What plain possession do I hold dear? Nothing really… a bow is a bow, a jacket a jacket. I really only have gil to give, and most of it to the boys. I left my journal to Shurin, but as if he would have much use for this thing other than to read my drivel. I suppose he knows most of this already, but he is more silent and secluded than I am, perhaps he will find solace in it. To Oskar went the portrait. I know it is not mine, but I know he loves it, so I put a note to have my estate purchase it.
The only other thing of value I left was my house in Garlemald. I have not been there in some time but I was promised it would be up-kept… and I do not know how this war will turn out. Perhaps it is forfeit, but who knows… if something happens and my children need it, so be it.

Really, what prompted all this was last eve. What if I do die? This I asked myself as Oskar said his goodbye to me. What would happen to my children? My gil? My body? This way, I know it can be taken care of, because someone will find this journal. Will Shurin take care of my boys as I asked him? I do not know… I just want them to be safe… happy… do what you will with the rest. They are the one thing I treasure, above all else.

Things really do seem to happen in effect, though. Along with the events of last night the dream has returned…

My vision is blurred, ears a hollow deafness. There is sound so far away, fighting, I can hear the steel and shouts. It is cold, I lay in the wet mud, rain pouring down on my face. I sputter for air but only blood emerges, I know I am dying.
I am alone… cold… empty…

But unlike all those times before, this was different. I looked down.

In my stomach stuck a spear, gashing open the bump of my belly, through leather split wide. Crimson flowed faster than tears, nothing ebbed the pain. ‘Is this how I die?’ I ask myself, laying there cringing, using all my energy to scream… hoping someone would hear me. What would I tell them…? Nothing.

I am alone.

Sometimes… I wonder if it is better not to sleep.

2nd Sun, 4th Umbral Moon, 1571

Undated

Dark, dusty skin… his eyes are glowing… focused…
Does he look like that at the enemies? I have to watch…
I know he looks like that at me… those ember-filled eyes.
His tongue is peeking out… it’s so cute. Where did he learn to write?
Were… his shoulders always this big…?
I… really want to touch his scar… it’s like a-

(Undated)

26th Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

Shurin has been visiting more often. I am glad, it is good for him to make an impression, to be there… especially for Crane who so desperately seeks attention from any male he can. Did he do this for me? After I helped him in the mines, a brief encounter where we hardly spoke… he seemed concerned about my child. It made me happy… perhaps he cared more than I knew? He has his duty, and I have my own, I must remain solid, hold back such weak emotions, deal with it. This is not a land of perfection, I have to be strong. If I am, he will be there for me, he will love me back. Maybe… one day… I’ll be more important than his past.

(The ink seems to change, as if written at a different time, and with a harder hand.)

The above, is foolish drivel. He is a fool! A damned fool! Why do I feel this way for a man causing me so much pain- why in the first place? I’ve a duty! And obligation! I can not stray, and what do I do for him? Sacrifice it all! No longer, I can not… I have to let go or he’ll compromise everything… damned be… I caved in front of him… wept like a child! He is right, I can take care of myself. Crane and Cygnus will have no father, they never needed one. And I, need no help!

No, that is a lie. I need someone. I do not want to do this on my own, I do not want to live using, live without emotions so raw locked deep inside. Shurin, I want him so desperately to love me… but is it enough to just say those wrenching words? To hear them? I want to feel his warmth, his inner aether…

Oskar… Oskar Helvig… I fall upon him. He is like a sword I wish to impale myself upon. An end to my suffering or the beginning of it? No… Shurin began all that nearly a cycle ago. But on the other side of him… this Duskwight man holds me in his palm as if he could crush me, and yet does not. Is it the fact that I know he could? Fear or love? Twelve, what does love even mean anymore?
Too many questions I do not know the answers to. All I know for sure is I need, I need one or another in too many different aspects. For now all I can do is hold my child and hope either I stay, or am taken away.

Man over man…
Life over death…
Fear over love…
Duty over desire…
Comfort over need…

Limsa… or Ul’dah.

26th Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

Parchment Inserts

(The following is a few notes stuck within the next page of varying parchment and ink quality as well as size. They are not dated but in the order received, all written in Garlean.)

‘Meet the Shadow on the designated bridge, the falls will mute your voice.’‘Objective met, request another meeting. Shadow says you know where. Observe target movements, record, make no move.’‘Shadow missing, request location.’

‘Shadow still missing, respond.’

‘Request denied, please submit a formal letter. Continue with duty.’

‘Kill interference. Report back immediately.’

‘Kill confirmed, silence.’

‘The gears are turning.’

24th Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

I am having a new dream.

I am simply running. I do not even remember where I was, underground for sure. All I am doing is running, not towards or after anything, but down this cold, endless hall. I am naked, freezing, panting…

I wonder what it means. I suppose it does not matter, at least I am not dreaming of death again.

24th Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

23rd Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

The Fane has me trapped most morns, and it is beginning to bother me. This, flow of aether, makes me so sick at the best of times… will I ever get used to it? It feels like it is making my body change, like one moment I was headed one direction, and now I am walking upside-down as foolish as that seems. I have to push through, for the good of the Guard, for my recruits, for myself. This will be a good change.

23rd Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

19th Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

Looking back at my last few entries I’ve realized I really have no idea what happened in those suns… it seems like raw yet… fumbled emotion upon a page. I know I am unhappy within but really I had meant this to be an account of suns, had I not? Not this… regurgitation of a feeble mind.

In any case, I’ve no idea where to start once more. I guess I will begin with a few events over the last moon.
My recruits have been doing well so far, a few of them exceeding my expectations. They seem to just file in, and I am worried I will not be able to build them all to standards. I do hope the Commander sees the work I am doing… I would like to have a different role within the ranks. It is not just for the advancement that I will try my hardest, but for the sake of those men and women under my charge. I want them to be responsible, respectful… strong… they are good people. Honestly, I may not say it to them, but I am proud of every single one of them.
Dreke… is capable of so much. I know of his abilities, he is my kin… but he is so easily distracted. It is good to dream, but one day he may get someone killed, or himself, because of it. He is kind, so much out for another than himself, but I can say whatever I would like and I still know he would be lost. I do not know what to do for him.
Eva though, on the other side of the gil-piece, is quite wonderful. I see a lot of myself in her, she has been through much but she is humble, yet powerful. I could never see her stray, she seems so solid. I do hope I can do everything in my power to help her with her own demons. I am learning trust, learning not to hide… these recruits are teaching me more than I teach them.
Gunther, Remy, Eital, Ariciont… all of them will be fine warriors. And if anyone, ANYONE messes with them… I will unleash my fury.

I’ve spent much of my mornings with the Fane as of late. After the incident with Shurin and the release of my aether, I needed a way to control it. It helps, even if my body does feel odd. They are showing me different ways to channel my energy, but all of this aether swirling about exhausts me…
Too often I try to meditate as they suggested… and see my hands around Shurin’s neck, squeezing the life from him. Never, never again will I harm that man in any way.

Shurin… I miss him. Too much, Twelve know I hardly stop thinking of him. I feel a definite sadness away from him, and I hardly ever seem him these suns…
But I can’t say come back.
I can’t say I miss you.
How can I say ‘I love you’?
I keep hoping one day, I’ll be enough for him, enough to take all that pain of his away. But now, I hurt. He keeps letting go, keeps moving away. He conflicts me; should I back away and let him forget? Will he forget me? I find it so hard to let these things that remind me of him go. Falcon’s Nest… where we would hide… an extra training lance left in the closet… a piece of broken armour… I’ve still a shirt of his I hide away…
It hardly smells of him anymore…

Enough, enough of that. I’ll write instead of Myllor. That fool, that arrogant prick. What does he do? He’s such a terrible leader, the Commander should be ashamed! What has he ever DONE for the Guard?! Irresponsible fool! Curse him… the way he spoke to me, in front of the Commander, was disgusting. Something I would hear back home, but this is not home, or I would have beaten the pulp out of my recruits. He’s a lazy boy playing soldier, how the Commander can stand it is beyond me. He will have none of my respect. None.

Elriche has shown more attention to me as of late as well. Enough so I thought Oskar was going to beat him senseless a few times. Elriche is a kind man, but he is young-minded for his cycles. I have no doubt he will be rounded, and he will find a woman for himself one sun, but until then I best not encourage him. While he is quite beautiful, he is too soft for someone like me.
Speaking of Oskar though… he has begun actively pursuing me. We’ve… a connection, undoubtedly… but I am still frightened, unsure. He is not Shurin, not Cade, not my father and definatly not my brother… but he treats me with kindness, love even. Can I keep floating forever with him? I cannot see the future… cannot predict what lay ahead. I feel sorry for Alothia. I heard of their troubles only after they parted, or I would have done all I could to stop it. That woman is so kind, I hope it was not me to push a divide between them… I should speak with her.

Corvus has been quiet lately… it makes me nervous. I’ve been so busy… is there perhaps something going on I do not know about? Best to stay clear really, I do not trust that Miyu no matter what the Commander says…
But Sanctus… well, I’m glad I got out of there when I did. That place is full of… fools. Full of unguided dogs, rabid even. With Alona at the head, I am not surprised things ran so far out of scope. Disrespectful, ignorant… too many terrible words for those people. I will not associate with them any longer, hardly need to mix myself up in those problems.

Other news, I’ve been receiving more letters of late. Seems things are moving, I wonder if I will get a visit? It would be nice to know what is going on outside instead of being so submerged.

Crane is walking on his own now, gets in to everything. Oskar bought clay for him, he seemed to like the way it felt between his fingers. The crafts were so fun… I love spending time with him, and I wish I could do so more. He will be a full cycle soon! I should throw a little party.

So many new recruits, a Highlander even… should be an interesting few suns! Well, enough of this writing, too much is going on around me, I best get ready for training.

19th Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

18th Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

Cut off the legs, arms swipe still.
Cut off the head, it be no more.
Why is it gone…?

18th Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

16th Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

Now, I am floating.

It is a safe place, a warm place. Is there war in this place? Is there fear in this place? No, there is naught but calm. This calm used to make me panic, frightened in losing myself, my objective. What is my objective…?

Here… in Eorzea… it is with the Guard. It is the training of soldiers, the guiding of souls.

Back home… it is the killing of soldiers, the capture of souls.

To myself… it is nothing? I cannot think of anything to write here. Cannot decide what I want, or why I want it. I have to stick with the Guard, even if the last eve made me want to leave. It is the last thing I have to grip before I sink in to the seas. Now, it is not so simple. I’ve something inside of me, something innocent… can I keep it?

Let it remain… will there be harm…? Back in that floating place, the calm. There is nothing to fear here…

Destroy it… cut it from my flesh… will it be simpler?

Just… pain…

16th Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

Undated

(The following seem quickly jotted and are scattered randomly about the page, different ink-tones suggesting multiple days.)

I failed. The assessment, I’ve gotten soft. Weak. I can not be weak, I have to do something.I’ve reverted back to her… pure instinctive hunt, sharp decisive kill. Why him? Why did I hurt him? He’ll never forgive me… but the gate is open now… was it worth it? Perhaps I should go back there, to what I was…Does he love me?

ColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdCold
ColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdCold
ColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdCold
ColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdCold
ColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdCold
ColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdCold
ColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdCold
ColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdCold
ColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdCold
ColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdColdCold
(She begins repeating the same word, filling the rest of the page, ink smearing and blotting together.)

(Undated)

9th Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

I’ve been thinking more about the man who fathered my children.

Bonnric Kaa was his name, a Duskwight Elezen not even in the same training as I. In fact, he was simply a guard, no one of rank, no one I knew. For all I knew that was not his real name, but it was what I called him those dark nights.
I barely remember what he looked like… short black hair, long ears… not too remarkable of a man. Normally I never would have bedded him. He was not unattractive, but back then it was all about power; if a man had it, by sleeping with him I gained dominance over that power. This man had no power, no wealth, no name.

Why then?

(The bold is written in Garlean)

Because of an opportunity. A woman alone with child, no one suspects you. People help you, they are kind. They do not realize you are the enemy, they pity you. The perfect illusion they told me. A small part of a grander scheme… a child was the perfect cover in Eorzea, even more than my deception, my own illusions.

I went in to labour in the middle of a job, a con, a test. I gave birth to Crane and Cygnus alone in the middle of a marble floor in pooling blood not my own. I fell in love with those boys the moment I saw them.

The perfect illusion, they told me…

Those nights with that Guard… ten in total.
It started with me, for he was so shy. I had my orders, he had his… it wasn’t cold between us, but dead. We did not speak of much, he did not hold me close nor look me in the eyes. Pure pleasure, something I had taught myself, now seemed so empty. The two of us knew we would be creating life and yet we did not even try to show emotion.

Bonnric the soldier. I wonder if you are alive now. I wonder if our children have any of your traits, since I hardly remember your face. I wonder if you know the gift you have given me.
He has never seen their faces, and likely never will.
That… for some reason… makes me sad…

9th Sun, 4th Astral Moon, 1571

Undated

(The bold is written in Garlean)

Little baby, hush now
Rest in peace, my little one
My heart, sleep upon it
We’ll know many sorrows, little baby
But today I hold you safe.I must prepare myself.
This weakness has shone through, these reckless emotions, these lovely ties that make my heart ever weaker. What am I doing here? I’m not one of these people… I’m a killer. I am a Garlean soldier. So why am I here?
To protect my children, I told myself. But are they really safer in this land? When the Garleans strike, will Eorzea fall?I must prepare myself.
Close my eyes. War is coming, the beat of footsteps against barren lands, the rhythmic thud beside the heavy harshness of metal. To hold a rifle in my hand… I might feel cruel once more.

I must prepare myself.
I feel the cold creep up again, feel the ice flake over my burning heart. Ebb the flame, I can not have what I desire. Hold me, touch me, kiss me, love me… ever alone.

But the new ice has cracks. One there… another here…
Distance, or I’ll shatter.

(Undated)

23rd Sun, 3rd Umbral Moon, 1571

Where does one begin in this whirlwind of events? Too much to note, really. Not much worth of it, either.

The Commander is faltering. She is as we are, mere mortal, she can not deal with each of our strains along with her own. Something will break, something will change, too much is bound to happen. I’ve no Division, no specific place among these- no, I will not call them soldiers. These innocents. So instead, I’ll remain behind our Commander. If she falls, the rest of us stand not a chance.

Too many more know of my secret, of my children. Elriche, is one of them. Alothia and Aruru now as well. While I’m sure Aruru does not understand, I ensured Alothia would not speak a word. Perhaps that is the difference between Zenge and I. Has he undergone different training?
I threatened to drag her to a cliff, kicking and screaming, and not give her the grace of killing her before I tossed her weak, pathetic body over the side. She best not speak, for I know if I kill her, Oskar will return the favour.

The execution as well… the only small bit of justice that I have seen in these lands. Oskar, Elriche and Alothia there… none of them having ever witnessed one before. I, have seen too many, and after it was all said and done could offer no words of comfort to any of them. Just as I had received naught but a silent nod so many cycles ago…
Had Oskar hesitated in the slightest, my arrow would have ended it instead. Just as we should have done to the killer Miyu.

A touch, so simple and greedy. Flawed is this heavy heart… but with an understanding that perhaps something else is within it. I have to be selfish, if but one… last time. Do not hate me for it, know only that this warrior is built upon a fragile base…

(The bold is written in Garlean.)

Know something inside you completes me, know you’re about to break my wounds back open. Know I am a traitor, to more than just myself. Know that if you ever read this then I am dead, but I have loved.

23rd Sun, 3rd Umbral Moon, 1571

(Below the date is something hastily scrawled.)

I will stay like this a while longer…

Undated

(The following is a page of notes, undated, and with the tone of ink indicates several separate days. They are unorganized, as if flipped to a page and written.)

Cade Alun. Capital? Lieutenant knows something? Contact, but how? Pearl by message? No, I have to meet him in person. Cade will know, Cade will help. He’s alive… (The rest is smudged, written hastily in Garlean.)Gridania – Black Shroud (The coordinates are smudged out.)

‘Leo vivit et sitit ulcisci.’

Mhrii found a casing, bad omen. Sloppy? No, intended misdirection? Bad in either case, have to be more careful.

Rainclouds; Suggested weather machine? Foolish. Something bigger… haven’t been informed, have to figure it out.

(Undated)

21st Sun, 3rd Umbral Moon, 1571

I promise you the stars will be more beautiful than ever before.

He misses them, misses gazing up in to that forever darkness, upon those sparkling orbs of light that we can not reach. Something so mundane, and yet true. Do the rainclouds wash the skies as it pours? What happens to that starry sky when thick black clouds roll over? I’ve made a false promise to him, why? Because I want him to hold on.

I pity those who have not had the joy of laying with another. Not sex, sex is a mere escape, the act of copulation, of pleasure. No, it is more than pleasure to lay next to a man. Warmth, comfort in the body next to you… complete trust that they will not wake and kill you as you dream. In sleep you are vulnerable, but none of us can escape it. There is a mutual understanding between two as such, one protecting another, caring for another.

Unarmoured he laid beside me, and as I listen to his deep, calming breath, I realize it is not his power nor his rare words of affection that attracts me. It’s the small things… the way silver hair slides over his cheeks, the bump of lips I could imagine kissing mine, the span of his shoulders, strong enough to hold ponz of armour, the breath that fueled the deep, powerful voice I could hear if I closed my eyes real tight…

So please, miss looking up at the stars. Perhaps inside you understand that it had been raining in my eyes, that when I lay alone in bed I was no longer against the crook of your arm, looking up at you. My stars were gone, but the sky has cleared now. Your sky will clear too.
I promise.

21st Sun, 3rd Umbral Moon, 1571

20th Sun, 3rd Umbral Moon, 1571

It is an odd… floating feeling now. Things are changing around me, inside of me, and I can hardly keep up to them. I do not know how to feel, so perhaps in writing my thoughts this eve, I will settle that in my mind.

I am no longer scattered fragments. Yes, parts of me are still missing, but I feel like I am coming together. I woke to the sun through a peek in the curtains, the Ul’dahn inn so quiet, noise below blotted out. It is as soon as my eyes slide open that they catch him; broad shoulders lowered, head tilted scattering silver hair across tanned skin. He is a distance, but I can hear him breathing… calm. I knew better, he was always alert, always on guard and never resting. It made sharing a bed with him before restless, but comforting to know while I was my most vulnerable, he was watching. Regardless, he had entered while I slept, as promised. A piece of my heart settled back in to place… for of all my time with Shurin, this was the first I had not woken up on alert, the first thought crossing my hazed mind being his death upon my dagger. I laid there watching him, pretending to sleep for a bell… just to revel greedily in the moment.

Oskar… we fought again. I took it quite far, spit disgusting words from my mouth. But, if I lay back to him will he leave? I feel some kind of damned connection to him, but I can’t just let things be simple… I don’t understand it. He scares and confuses me… will I ever be able to face him normally, and will he hate me when he sees me inside for who I am?
He’s more powerful than he realizes, Twelve help me if he finds that out.

The fire, the burning of the Guard archives… reminded me of home. The simplest thing as well, when those men destroyed our village. They burnt everything, smoked people from their houses. Now, we kept very little written scripture, so it was not that which brought old thoughts to me. It was the smell, the wood burning, the fire destroying something that had taken suns to build. Burning wood and blood had been the palette of that night, the image of those flames burnt in to my eyes by blinding white heat. We saved what we could of those archives, unlike those in my village who hardly escaped with their lives.

Perhaps I am looking in the wrong place for all of this. I feel… happy. I feel… calm. Was that fire a sign to make me see? See that I am looking in the wrong place for my place, for my purpose? I’ve saved and killed countless, but has anything I’ve done really gotten me anywhere within these lands?
As I starred in to that fire, I should look around myself the same; with wide eyes taking in each horrifying and elegant detail. Maybe the answer is right in front of me, and I just do not know it yet.

20th Sun, 3rd Umbral Moon, 1571

15th Sun, 3rd Umbral Moon, 1571

(A freshly bound leather notebook rests snugly among the gear of a warrior, tied with a thin cord, an elegant quill pinned between the pages.)

I am not the type to keep a log of my own thoughts and actions. Where I was raised, we had stories through our words, we lived through those tales spoken… the things you accomplished were only great if those around you acknowledged them and word spreads of those happenings.But here, things are much different. It feels like chaos, so much swirling all around me. I am drowning, and I can not swim.Maybe I will become used to writing this log. Maybe I will learn.
Crane lies beside me on this inn bed, sleeping quietly. My beautiful child, my fatherless child… he misses his brother. Cygnus, he’s been gone for several suns… my boy so alone and afraid without his mother to care for him. He is gone, I can not find him… and my research has come up with nothing. I know why he was taken, but I do not know if he is alive. My mother, when she came to these lands in search of me, she came in contact with Oskar. Oskar Helvig… a Duskweight Elezen I’ve had relations with. When he spoke to her, and lied for me, he revealed to her I had children. This sparked those with her to watch me carefully, and in finding my routine found my babies. When she… passed… they took what they could, and this included my son. Why, I do not know, for there is little use for a child… but my boy is in the hands of someone who will not love him as I. Forgive me Crane, forgive me Cygnus, I am weak.
The Garlean Empire, my child is there. To find him, I must find Cade.

I feel alone, a feeling that I should be used to by now. Travel alone, eat alone, fight alone… safer not to rely on others, but so very lonely. And then when you trust one enough to stand next to them, they stab you in the back.
I miss Shurin, I will not lie. We’ve been apart for moons now… a simple argument spiraling out of control. Can I trust him? I thought so. Can I love him? I thought I did… and yet now this all just proves how right I had been. Trust will kill you, love is weakness. This place is dangerous, inside of my own walls is safer.
I can not say to him what I want. ‘Hold me…’, ‘Say everything will be alright…’, ‘Protect me…’, ‘Tell me you love me…’. Weak words, hidden emotion I can’t let anyone see. I want someone to break me apart and reveal these things.

If I’m not careful, Oskar will break me apart. If I’m not careful, Shurin will fade to a shadow in the distance. I need to be careful, I will kill a man who gives up before me, just like that dark rainy night.

Gods, I’ve done so much wrong. It is so hard to change, so hard to be strong. I smile because I’m breaking, I laugh because I’m hurting… I play because I want to die.

And really, writing what I should be saying is difficult… but maybe this will let a wound heal, I can’t live with anymore scars.

15th Sun, 3rd Umbral Moon, 1571