The second sun with my weapons locked away seemed harder than the first. I thought it would get easier, and found myself wrong in such ways of thinking.
Falke makes my body sore… I eat and feed, eat and feed… is it that causing my sudden lack of energy? Crane was my only motivation, running around the house knocking things over. I had to chase him.
Then Falke began crying…
Cygnus began wailing…
Crane screamed and covered his ears.
Twelve what noise we made this morn; not the kind of noise I am used to making… that wakes people up.
I must have yelled at them, for it came to a sudden halt, each boy with tears in his eyes starring right at me. And I stared back, hopeless on what to do.
And then the crying started again, this time from all three.
I gathered them up, hushed and cooed, anything I could.
Mother guide me… I’ve not the strength, nor the knowledge to be like you. After all, what else did my own mother teach me but rejection and abandonment?
But eventually the cries turned in to sniffles… and the sniffles in to hiccups… and those hiccups in to giggles…
Soon we were all laughing, with Falke starring up at us confused and half-frightened.
The rest of the sun seem to fall without a hitch. Outside is our favourite place, it reminds me I can still be free, still breath fresh air, when I know only some have the copper taste of a smoky battlefield. I dragged out a cut barrel for the twins, hauling water from the well and pouring it in, a make-shift tub for them to splash, naked as the day they were born; laughing, not wailing.
One of the village men, a Highlander, wandered his way over. I thought he intended to pass by, but he stopped, cooling in the shade with Falke and I, watching the boys.
We chatted idly, after I had the decency to cover the babe at my breast. He commented on the boys, how happy they seemed… and I agreed. Even Cygnus seemed to be opening up more… whether because I was around more often, or the shine of the sun.
Idly though, we spoke. I forget his name, writing this now, but he was a kind man. Offered to trim the yard, and I accepted of course. I had no idea yards needed trimming, knew not where to start and had little patience for it as well as handling three boys.
Sliding a thumb against little Falke’s cheek I watched him work the scythe, chest twinging in pain… hardly able to ignore it.
We parted, I brought the boys inside for a nap…
I fell asleep against the locked door, the room inside containing my weapons… my armour… I passed out for so long… it was not until Crane hit my knee that I jerked awake.
‘Fah! Fah!’ He cried, and only then did I realize Falke was crying, and it had not woken me up.
The rest of the eve I spent groggy, half-laying on the couch with the babe, Cygnus and Crane on the floor with colour-sticks and parchment. It was a blessing when they passed out… until Falke decided it would be a wonderful night to keep me up. All I wanted was to close my eyes and rest… but it was like that front porch flame kept him up, all he had done since I put the twins to bed and lit the lantern… was cry.
No lullaby consoled him, no amount of feeding or changing or holding or pleading…
I sang every song I knew, Eorzean or no… songs I forgot I knew, some I merely hummed because I could not recall the words, or was too tired to even remember. Still he sobbed, cried, hiccuped and recovered and began sobbing again…
And I just stared at him, pleading softly until I couldn’t anymore…
11th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572
Deirdre Ta'ea 