19th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572

A numb feeling, and the inability to focus.
A Highlander man I cannot defend, and a child poking the beast.
A song left unsung, and looks from those who cannot understand.
The haze of his aetherial face… regret.

All of this world is falling away. Steps I am walking forward turn the grass in to grey, the trees in to dust, the water to stone. Like everything is dying, joining my already dead soul. I am not lost… I am not the same just… broken. Everything is merely broken. I do not feel warmth to my flesh, and if it approaches it is just an odd, tingle. I can not feel my wounds though I know they should likely sting.
My eyes on which I so keenly rely, they fail to comprehend the bigger picture. Distant things I find myself looking upon, and nothing more matters than what simply lies ahead of my body. North, South, East or West… it is all one direction. Up or down…
What is forward but more of this nothingness? It’s like… I hardly care. I do not feel anything now.

Gerik, is his name. I will not forget it, though I had for an instance. Gerik, he was such a small part of things. Yet, he managed to come in harms way. Because of me. All of this because of me. My lovers are in danger because of me. My children are in in danger because of me. Men who I ask to assist me are in danger because of me. People I do not know. People I hardly care for.
I find myself protecting them regardless. It is my fault, why should they suffer? His shoulder… his wound, is my fault. I should feel that pain, hold that scar. So, I met this woman looking for me. No, not a woman… a child. A child with her foolish grin, and her inelegant phrasings, ramblings. She disgusted me. I feel ill even thinking about writing it, what happened on that boat. She made a dumb mistake, looking for me. I mean nothing to her, and yet she feels the need to threaten all I love? I’ve nothing left that she can touch… nothing left.
I felt no joy in battle with her… feel no joy in any battle now. I feel no importance protecting Gerik, either. It is… just because it should have been me.

He took me to Gridania, Gerik the Highlander. A storytelling event, which put such white hot memories in my mind that I did not want to look. Though I sat and I listened. I wanted to sing, had the desire to tell them all how I was really feeling inside through song. I resisted, and strummed at my harp instead. It is better to keep it inside, none of them will understand.
They looked at me though, with those eyes. So many emotions, I did not bother to grab note of which belonged to who… or who was even there. It is a blur, mostly. I think I was supposed to say things to a few of them. Apologies? Greetings? Condolences? Congratulations? It was not that I forgot merely… I did not have the energy.
I did not feel accepted or unwanted, and I guess it no longer matters one way or another.

I regret leaving Navei that night.
I do.
Somehow, I cannot find it my own fault. But it is the same feeling as before. Obligation. I know it is not to do with me yet, everyone around me… it is all the same thing.
Because of me.
Because of what I am.
Because of these masks I wear.
Because of how terrible I am on the inside.

I wish I could hold him, but I cannot.
I wish he could hold me, but he cannot. I am so terribly sad… so terribly alone.
But I cannot cry.
I want to.
I want to cry until the moon falls from the sky.
It is my absolution.
How forgiving of the Twelve to allow Dalmud to purge me
I will accept my punishment.

19th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572