Undated

When I was planning to leave, I actually had no intention on returning. Running, yes, they all called it that. I was running from my past, my present, reality.
Finality.
The only thing that stopped me was him. Oskar, of all people, the one I was running from. He refused to let me take the boys. We argued, for so long, I do not remember the words now. I relented, he must have been right. I did not take them, thus I needed to return. So I resigned, I would leave, find the thing I was desperately missing, and return either for my children or to stay… or die. A part of my affection died for him that eve.

The first night was fresh. The air was cool, the ride easy. My companion, a hired sword by the name of Ildorath Ver’honu, a Highlander of no particular placing, was as I expected him to be.
Too many questions, not enough answers. Most of the trip I remained silent. I had not chosen him because I felt my life was at risk on these trails, no, I am more than capable of taking care of myself. Why, then?
Because I knew he would come seeking my bed, and I did not care anymore.

Fat, pregnant, so very round with child and I still ended up being appealing. Why are men so terrible? Their minds are foul things, yet us women allow such things- I allow such things. Why have one? Men do not take just one. I shall be with who I desire. I live in this free world, as much as the rest of them.
So, I welcomed him. At first it was nice… how long had it been since I lay with another man? Too long. He reminded me of Shurin. How we would camp under the stars… dream fleeting dreams of wild trails, of adventure.
Too many times I looks up in to the sky, and wondered if he was looking up in to it too, and thinking of me.

I’ve tried to let him go. Honestly, I have. I realized, I cannot. No more than I can let my father go,no more than I can let Ban go, no more than I can let Cade go. Will he ever come back to me? Unlikely. But that flower will remain a bud, my heart will remain in my chest, and my mind with those stars. It is foolish to think I can change. Perhaps a fleck, a small chip… but no, I am who I am… and just as I told Shurin moons ago, they will all leave, every one of them, at one time or another.

During the nights I dreamt. I dreamt of my childhood, of running and laughing with wind in my hair chasing my brother through fields of grass. Of my youth, training harder than my body could handle, testing and pushing so very hard… of the nights with Shurin, of whispered promises… of our first meeting, battles… excuse day…
And then I wake up, every single time, crying so hard it hurt, realizing that everything was gone, that in the end I was left with only loneliness.

And that, is my reality.

I do not deserve the children the Twelve blessed me with. Not beautiful Crane, so strong and happy, a smile on his face I surely did not give him. Of quiet Cygnus, so attentive, so smart… of the boy inside my belly, whose fate is beyond my own. But if I leave them, I will be less than what little I am. How pathetic are the things I have to offer… how pathetic is life.

Battle, aether, grass, trees, sky, Garleans, rolling seas, winding trails, gusting wind, mindless chatter, deafening cries, the glare of the sun off metal, the reflection in a mirror, the feel of a bed, of a lovers lips, words whispered, hair unwinding, darkness sliding, chocobos rocking, leather gripping, weapon heavy, eyes seeing…
Always seeing… so far… so deep in to another gaze. Stop looking at me- no. What would I do if they stopped seeing me? Would it be better? Would it be worse?

I stopped counting the suns. I stopped trying to figure out where I was riding. I just rode. I rode and rode until my leather chaffed, until my bird begged for a break, until finally I could not push any more. Suns… and I ended up in the sea. I don’t remember the direction, but it stopped me cold, as if it could have been some unscalable wall. Denied me any further, hit me in the face with its salt breeze.
I sat at the edge of the water, waiting, glaring at it as if it were the enemy before me on a bloody battlefield. Analyze, predict the next move, react. I could not, you do not fight the sea.

I remembered asking Rhio if the sea gives us lives back, since it takes so many. She told me it does, the fish, and life below the water. It was not what I meant, but I do not think she realized I intended to kill myself, drown in a watery grave.
Shurin told me he came from the sea, washed up on a shore, so long ago. I suppose then, I wanted to go where he had come from. I was never meant for the sea.
But the sea, was my answer.

Turning back for home was harder than leaving, as expected, but I did it. I was too far west, I guess I had intended on going north. We were a couple suns from Gridania, through the mountains in Coerthas. This is where real danger came upon us, not just the dangers of my mind.

I assumed they surrounded us when the sun dipped in to the sea. They were quiet, but my hearing as it was, I would not have been any wiser. Half naked, laying in the tent and in slumber. The child had been tumbling, sleep came so difficult, but when it did I allowed it to consume me. I expected to be woken by the deep voice of the companion I had, and a hand to my shoulder. Instead, it was a stifled shout and a bag over my head.

Training surfaced, and I remained calm. I did not shout or struggle, cleared my head instead, listening as hard as I could. My hands were bound, the rope knotted twice, whoever had done it was not experienced, but the knife at my back told me they did not need to know how to shove the blade in to flesh.
Writing it all out seems difficult, as I did not see. Everything that happened around me was a feeling, unlike my own. My eyes are my strength, they robbed me of them immediately, either by luck, or skill.

Walking, the muffled shouts of my companion, behind me. The angry, guttural sounds from our captors, whom were not beastkin, to be sure. The cool air stung my bare legs, a clink of blades and armour, chocobos plodding against the soil, obviously flustered.
‘Please… please don’t hurt me… my baby…’ Twelve, I sounded so pathetic. Never in my cycles have I ever uttered such a thing, it nearly made me sick to say it.
‘Shut up wench!’ He yelled back, shoving me forward. Without my eyes my balance was half gone, and the wet soil on my bare feet only made it worse. I fell on to my belly, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. That pain shot through me, I screamed in true agony, I thought I was going to give birth right there.
Twelve blessed me though, and a lull of confusion rang over our captors. A moment was all I needed.

It must have been such a blur then, though in my mind I could see each perfect move. Ariciont would have been proud had he lived…
Roll on to my back, twist my legs under myself, launch up, head in to the belly of the man who pushed me. Swipe, he cut at my arm as he fell back, white hot pain, white hot energy, roll off him and managed to swing a leg around, tripping a nearby man I had not known was even there, knee on his arm, struggle with my wrists, scream as the blade plunged in to my thigh… but now I knew where it was. Both legs wrap around his arm, break it, snap that even my dulled ears heard. Screams of agony, shouts of confusion, something hitting the back of my head hard as I tilted back and searched for the blade. Blood in my mouth, sweet… sweet copper, eyes trying desperately to pierce the heavy cloth. Heavy hilt in my palm, finally, release of my hands, snapping the struggling mans neck, standing, hardly able… tearing the thick, stuffy bag off my head, azure strands streaming wildly behind me, eyes find a target, lunge, flip the blade, parry a fist with my arm, pain a fleeting memory, numbed with the pound of my heart. Red pours from his throat, he falls, a shadowed man fighting with his binds, three men near, chocobos struggling at their reins. I throw the dagger, bury it in to a mans back, immediately regret it, rush forward, I think I am screaming still, I punch someone, he grabs me, fighting, heavy breathing, punching, punching, punching, his face is so hard against my hand, my companion is free, he grabs another I think, I am not seeing him, I am still punching the dead man below me. The one with the dagger in his back is still stumbling forward, half-dead, not knowing why. He dies the quietest, the rest are too noisy. My ears are ringing, and I stand, stumble, move forward and fall to my knees, the rain is pouring hard now. I am alive again, still.
I look up in to the sky where the stars are crying, and I smile.

I am alive, how is this? With everything I’ve done, everything I’ve faced… Do I truly deserve it? Perhaps I earned it, or those men simply did not earn enough.
I limp now, afterwards. We bandaged up, left as soon as we could. I preferred to ride, the blade to my thigh causing me pain on foot. We did not risk camping in Coerthas again, nor when we breached the borders of Gridania. It is when we found a patrolled aetheryte when we decided to stop and rest, where I decided to write this now. We’ll be back in the city soon, back to face those I’ve left. I do not know what to expect… and I do not know the full extent of what I’ve resolved within myself.

I just hope it’s enough.

(Undated)