18th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572

I was called in to town today.
Business, Kurun and Ohlyn needed to speak of stores… I had to retrieve some items… I suppose overall it was productive. I plan to sell of a few pieces of old gear, raise money for some things the house needs, after all I will need to buy the materials for those new curtains.
I retrieved some food I had stored as well, mostly herbs and spices, ingredients. I have enough time now to make each meal separate… to make each from scratch.
Twelve, I remember hating being in the kitchen with my mother as a child… yet the twins seem to enjoy it.

Unfortunately, my stores have not yet been moved from Ul’dah. So, I braved the city cautiously, attended my meeting, and hopped on the next airship to Limsa where I could wander about the docks, and check on the ships… see if any of the soldiers had arrived in port.

I ended up in Limsa, but definitely not on the docks. Lifts, I never much liked them. I had been trapped in one before, but the last time I had much better company.
The woman named Miyu. I had almost forgotten her completely. She killed a boy, her brother, a man who served in the Guard… a man I was to train, so very long ago it seems now.
I have no qualms with this woman, and with my new life I saw no reason to pursue such. I apologized, truly… but got only harsh words and looks from her.
I suppose being trapped together did not help that situation…

Either way, if she forgives me or no… I need to put her from my mind. Dwelling on such old contacts… such different times. It does make me miss the Guard, the times we shared. I try to wipe these thoughts quickly away… it makes me pine for the past, and no one can go back a single tick, never-mind a sun or a moon.

The man I ran in to before came to our rescue. I still cannot remember his name, but I remember his face now. Angled, tan, eyes like my own. He seems hurt when he looks at me, and something in my mind tells me not to cause him pain.
Not that I can stop myself… it seems I am good for nothing else.
In any case… we climbed up the lift-shaft, dirtier than any cave I had ventured in to in my cycles of exploration… but came out at the top. Filthy, of course… but no worse for wear.

He offered me a cloth for my face… I thought he was going to touch me… my heart nearly stopped in fright.
I do not know when I became so scared of men… it is not like me.
I suppose I am more scared of the pain.

We parted there, and quickly, after I gave him the dirty cloth back. I could not go looking now, not dirty as I was. The bath when I returned was a good thing.
Wash away the dirt…
Wash away the thoughts…
Wash away the tears I will not cry.
But no matter how hard I scrubbed, how raw my skin became… the tightness in my chest has not gone away.

18th Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572