Everything before that night now seems so mundane.
As much as I scrub this clothing, as much as I wash these counters, as much as I beat the rugs or pick up toys or make beds…
All of it seems so pointless.
Yes, I know he will tell me I am taking care of his family…
Of his child…
Of his home to come back to…
But after that night, I feel like an insignificant piece in a much larger puzzle.
He returned, standing in front of the house looking so stoic, so official. It felt like a visit from a commanding officer, not a lover. He wished to speak with me, even brought the old woman to look after the boys. I returned inside and dressed, and when I emerged we walked closer to the tall mountains surrounding the village, at the very back where I had only wandered a few times before.
There he explained to me all the missing pieces. Instead of wordlessness to hate I now had the truth… and I suppose even that is better than a lie.
Stormguard and the protection of artifacts. Noble… a path his ‘Gods’ would be so proud of. Has he truly found all his answers, or is he out there seeking more? He has the truth of his life now, his past, being dedicated to these pieces of some lost world.
The sword… that artifact he himself holds… makes him look untouchable…
By anyone, even me.
I knew standing there, looking around at all the amazing buildings, breathing the strange air, that anything I had to say would be so insignificant, so futile. His story was so powerful.
Him, Riley, Almaz… the rest of them… straying from the Guard. I almost wish they would have brought me with them… knowing now how things turned out.
And I will still hate Riley with every bone for taking him away. If I see her again… (scribbles follow this)
I think I cried, I do not remember now. I just wanted to hold him, but I do not even remember if I did that. Everything seemed so fuzzy in that place.
I remember clutching his hand though… the texture still the same as ever, the grip…
Seems I’ve already stopped begging for more…
The village is in on it too, and maybe this is why they keep their distance. I am here of a Guardians will, to be protected. I am no soldier, no part of their plans… just an extra burden. To be watched, only.
By the end of our walk, by the time we slipped back inside the house, I felt like my chest was a torn, gaping wound stinging me constantly, reminding me always my heart would be there, whole or no.
What surprised me though… is he made dinner. Dinner, of all things, for the both of us. Did he perhaps see my uselessness, sitting there starring off to nowhere, mind muddled with the discovery…?
Upon his return the least I could have done was cook…
After some time I turned my eyes to watch him, had to see him standing in the kitchen, cooking as I did every sun… the knife in his hand the only blade I had touched in too many suns.
We ate mostly in silence, I could hardly bring myself to eat never mind speak. Childishly, I thought if I ate slower, I wouldd have him there longer. But Falke had other plans, waking up in the middle, demanding to nurse, demanding to be held. So, I brought him back in to the kitchen while Shurin did the dishes, wrapped tightly in a blanket, azure hair a fuzzed mess.
I’ve forgotten to mention in my journals… his eyes have turned from their dark shade. An icy blue hue, brighter than even my own in the light. His father starred at him… had he ever looked at me like that? Once upon a time… surely…
And then… he looked at me… then and there…
I did not breathe as he did, did not move, just starred up at the man. He lifted his hand, still dripping from washing the dishes, moved it towards my cheek…
Then a knock at the door stole everything. He moved away, dried his hands, went to the door. I covered the child at my breast, eyes holding a tinge of hate for the man that stood there, ragged, smelling of toad saliva and a more bitter bite to my nose, gunpowder. I grew wary in an instant.
They exchanged words, his curious eyes flirting back towards me, and I sat a little straighter. A message I did not hear, words as if complaint. They nod at each other… the man leaves and the door shuts… and grey eyes turn to look at me, but not like before, and never again that night like before.
I saw it in his eyes even before he said it, that he was leaving again. A few bells I got, bells I should have spent closer.
I felt cold, looked away…
Some men had gone rouge while a ship was in dry dock for repairs. His ship…
He needed to find them and kill them… before it was used as an excuse…
And then he would have no more ship…
I could not even feel selfish…
I stood, picked up his sword-belt, and handed it to him, one arm holding the babe. When he took it, I placed that hand on his cheek… Twelve I smiled for him as my heart ached. I stole a kiss from his cheek, nodded… bowed my head and pulled the blanket from Falke’s head, his wide eyes blinking up at me, then looking to his father, watching him…
He left, to duty.
I remained, to duty.
23rd Sun, 1st Astral Moon, 1572
Deirdre Ta'ea 