I have not slept in suns.
Constantly moving, traveling from place to place, keeping watch each eve without relief, waking in the morning to feed hungry mouths with gil running low. I will end up parting from the little ones soon, sending them back to a new hidden place, one I know Shurin does not remember. They will remain safe.
All I need is a good eves sleep… just one… before I can leave the safety of the cities. No one I can trust… well, no one near.
I hate looking back on it all. So many faces I cannot remember, so much anger that I’ve forgotten why. So many of their eyes do not understand what is actually within me, what is actually killing me. I am sad for it, all those souls I will not truly know, yet I cannot tell them I do not want to be alone.
I suppose it comes down to trust.
I do not trust anyone. It is very… difficult… for me to get past that point. A family is a wonderful thing to imagine, friends… so bittersweet that I have to push the thoughts away or my tongue gets numb and I long for the better times.
Silly the things we think about so close to catastrophe.
I have returned to Limsa Lominsa, only briefly. I sold my apartment fairly quickly, and we are hiding out in the hold of a traders ship. I think I may have stumbled across the whereabouts of Navei, and following up on the information may take a sun or two. Likely, it is nothing. After all, with so many travelers how could such information find its way to me so long afterwards?
A chance I am willing to take.
What do I say when I find him? Ask him why these women have chased me around La Noscea pestering for information regarding his actions? To explain my own? Them digging in to my life… only to rustle things up…
Will I ask forgiveness? Seems like the wrong person to say these words to… but who else can I talk to…
Before I left Ul’dah, I stood in front of the Corvus Headquarters, too cowardly to speak with Alothia, possibly my only remaining friend. Were we friends? It seems, like a foolish thing to call her, after what I did with Oskar.
Oskar… another faded page. That Duskwight, Yssen Van, reminds me a little of him. Though, he is kinder. We seem to meet under the oddest circumstances… and he never frowns… how strange that he can be so happy. He seems to just want to help, but just being near him frightens me.
Bad memories.
Twelve… I am so tired. I can barely conjure water to splash my face. I cannot stop looking over my shoulder at every wave against the hull or up at every semi-heavy footfall.
My mind is full of Shurin… and I hate it.
Seeing him there in Ul’dah, like he did not care. I screamed, oh it was all such a blur…
My eyes are so heavy… I must stop writing and train, or I will fall asleep like the little ones…
5th Sun, 5th Astral Moon, 1572
Deirdre Ta'ea 