Why do I have to defend parts of myself from you? I should know by now this is useless. This world, this Eorzea, has turned me in to something else. I don’t want to be what I am, I want to go back to the suns where things were simple… where I could run through the forests with my hair loose about my cheeks, laugh and giggle… free. Where I could pick fruits, skip down the cobbled roads… and climb on to my brothers back.
And now I am part of what took that from me. Nothing is more ironic than my choice for death, and the life which I now live.
You asked me if I loved him. He has a part of me I don’t think you’ll ever have…
Shurin…
I close my eyes, and see him fading… fading… with each passing sun.
I have to write it, I have to face it.
That silver crop of mussed hair, grey eyes as sad as a looming storm, tears that never fell like rain awaiting release. Shoulders I used to rest my head against, strong enough for thick armour, stronger still for so much untold burden. Hands… hard and deadly. I remember how he used to grip his spear, how the leather moved against him. Hands… gentle and comforting. I remember how he used to touch my cheek, how our skin moved against one another.
A small, fleeting smile that never seemed to stay.
I do love him, and a part of me always will. I can not lie of this, I just wish it did not hurt so much.
I also care deeply for you.
You protect me now, fight my stubbornness with equal and push me to see the reality, when you know I am just closing my eyes. I want to be part of your life, your tradition, but I cannot do that to lose the freedom I so ache for.
Jet black hair stained blonde, flesh dark and marred as stone, each slice of skin screaming a story, of pain and strength, of life so lived. I know so little of you, yet you demand so much of me. I do not know how to express as you demand, I do not know how to reciprocate…
You will realize this one day, or perhaps you already know. I feel like a child against you, so small and weak that I have to fight to keep calm.
And when I look back, over my shoulder, it is as if all is the same. I was but a child, supposed to be a woman.
I don’t often tell people of that night. It was after my coming of age ceremony, my examination and accounted worth. It was so odd to see him in the winter, but he had stayed while the rest of his people returned to the worn path, lightly brushed with snow. A girl of eleven… the price of my dowry much lower than my parents expectations.
I was thin, short for my kin, hardly with a hand of breast enough so I looked like a boy. The old woman who parted my legs to ensure I had not been a whore spoke in low tones to another, but I could hear them… I was no fool.
I would not bear. I did not have the body, and my mother had much difficulty with sons. I was worthless.
Except… Cade didn’t look at me like I was worthless.
That night I cried in his arms in the middle of the forest, snuck out from my window. When I would normally run to Ban I ran to him… he had been sleeping in the stables for there was no room in the house. Snow fell around us, light and soundless against the ground, the cold stinging my cheeks as hot tears rolled, the Highlander wrapping furs around me to keep the chill off my frame, clad only in that thin cotton nightgown.
He kissed my cheek to stop the tears, whispered such delicate words… ran hands through my hair, held me close… and kissed my lips.
He was twenty-five that cycle… the man that took my innocence. I never felt so wanted in all my time, the pain of youth seeming so bright, this love seeming so tender.
Cade Alun, skin beaten and rough, practically the size of a mountain, muscle thick and corded, smile weathered by the sun. His image in my mind is nearly gone, I do not remember how he felt against my skin anymore. I remember though, how small my hand seemed in his, how he softly whispered in my ear comforts for my pain, encouragement…
It pains me to this Shurin, perhaps even Oskar… will fade like Cade did. Memories are too easily clouded… and no matter how hard you fight, they will fade.
And so when I open my eyes from these thoughts, I realize it is me fading from others as well. Eva, we have not spoke in so long. With her wisdom, her hurt… the quiet determination behind her pale skin, alike the silk she weaves so easily.
Even Rhio…
His life or hers, the decision makes me tear inside. She sees this, I know. I have to push it all aside, the affections I have for this woman, someone who cares for me so deeply… I need people like this, I will not let her go like I did Cygnus. I will not sit back and comply, I can not.
I will do what I must.
Twelve guide me through this.
1st Sun, 5th Umbral Moon, 1571
Deirdre Ta'ea 