Undated

‘Care for your children, see to the future…’ This means I never get to be happy. He remains so selfless, me… selfish. I know he is right, but it hurts too badly inside to say… pain is all I feel now. Not a mothers joy, not a warriors pride… just the dull ache within me… in my belly where the child rests, in my heart where a woman aches…
Smiling is so hard. Why do it?
A laugh is fleeting… nauseating.
Flirt, seek, discover, destroy…
Kindness, such a front.
Fuck, freedom.
All of it, for one thing… to hide what is really inside.How I yearn to be free of my icy mask… only small, tiny fractures… brief lapses where I let my cover slide off. I cannot keep doing this, letting everything burst forth like a wave against a hull. Someone will catch me, see as he saw, and leave as they left.I thought it was him.
Now I realize… it is me.
It has always been me. Me, Deirdre… that is the problem.

There is no real fix to that problem, nothing I can do to undo everything that has been done. I am broken, I know this… they do not want to believe it.

I should have killed mysel-

(The rest stops abruptly, ink trailing off to the side.)

(Undated)